“Dear Mother Wit,

I’m so tired of begging and pleading with my son to do his homework every night.  It’s a struggle to pull him away from the TV, video games, and his computer.  I don’t want to yell and scream.  And I don’t want to put my hands on him.  Please, can you give me some advice.”

Ah, the Homework Wars.

I envy parents who have naturally studious, disciplined children. I don’t know too many of those parents, but I fantasize that they exist and yes, I envy them.

How do you handle a child who doesn’t want to do homework?

Homework goes into the category of Good Habits. So think of setting up some rituals around homework.

Set up a schedule. For instance, what is the best time of evening for YOUR child(ren) to do their homework? I didn’t let my kids do their homework right when they got home from school. I gave them a light snack and encouraged them to play for about an hour, to transition out of the school day. Then—when they were very young—I’d review the evening’s assignments with them and I’d help them set up a plan to tackle it.

I let them know that I was available to help them, but I didn’t just jump in to help them. It’s a natural instinct to want to help your child get good grades and impress the teacher, but most teachers will tell you that when you do too much to help, you’re keeping the teacher from having a clear picture of your child’s strengths, weaknesses and progress.

Some children need quiet. Make sure they have a quiet, clear space to work, with all the supplies they need. And no TV or other distractions. This can be tricky when they begin doing homework on the computer obviously, because it’s hard to monitor them every minute and they could be surfing the web or playing on social media or YouTube. So I let my kids set a timer for their homework—they decided how long it should take—and when the timer went off, it was their job to show me what they’d done. That worked well.

I also used rewards. My children got privileges for being on the Honor Roll from elementary through high school. I didn’t push them to be on the Honor Roll, but they liked the rewards and that made a difference—not always, but enough to keep things positive overall. Yes, I paid for grades (teens usually prefer money or gift cards). After all, their goal is the world of work, where people are normally rewarded financially for high performance and good outcomes. If you’re not comfortable with paying them, have them choose an activity or item or something they REALLY want, and tie that to report card results.

Caution: not all children who refuse to do homework are being stubborn or wrong. Take the time to stay calm and make sure your child understands both the homework—exactly what the teacher is asking—and the information shared in class to help them understand it. Don’t hesitate to call or email the teacher if your child is not clear. Also encourage your child to talk with the teacher after school/class to get the information they need. If the teacher doesn’t cooperate, go to the principal, etc. Be assertive in ensuring that your child has everything they need to do that homework and do it well!

Your child might need a tutor in a difficult subject—don’t hesitate to get them the help they need! Start by asking their teacher in that subject who they might recommend, and then look for the best help available. Let your child know that everyone needs help in some things, and that there is no shame in having someone help you out.

Organization could be an issue. My son needed help, so we got an organizational tutor who helped him plan and attack his homework in an orderly fashion. I highly recommend getting a good idea of how your child processes information and looking at their daily school habits—like writing down the homework assignments correctly, bringing books home, etc.

Finally, think about “modeling” the behavior you want to see. If you’ve brought home some work from the office, consider letting your child see you do it—and refer to it as your homework. Talk about how you don’t always want to do it, but emphasize how good it feels to get it finished so you can do other, more enjoyable things. You could also do this with paying your bills, or even reading for pleasure.

Warning: this is likely to be an area of back-and-forth throughout your child’s K-12 years. Don’t expect it to be magically “fixed” and never appear again. Some children are naturally diligent, disciplined and organized—and then they get hormones and it’s a whole ‘nother story! Get your tools together, ask other parents how they handle these challenges, and do something nice for yourself along the way—you deserve it!

Next we will talk about what to do when your child refuses to eat their vegetables!  Till next time, remember: DON’T HIT THE KIDS, HIT THE KEYBOARD! 

“I will not tolerate my child disrespecting me. And if I have to whup their behinds to get them to show respect, then I will.”

I hear this from parents all the time.  And I know how they feel, because there was a time when I felt the same way.  It’s frustrating when you feel that your child isn’t showing you the proper respect.  It’s natural to get frustrated. And it’s easy to get angry, too.

I learned the hard way (raising my kids) that children don’t usually set out to disrespect their parents.  They might be so focused on what they want, so impatient to reach their goal, that they forget their manners, their “home training” and any sign of good sense.  It’s enough to make a parent wanna holler.  And sometimes raise our hands to hit them.

But respect goes two ways.  And hitting someone to get them to respect you doesn’t always work the way you might think it will.  Now some parents want their child to fear them—they consider this respect.  Is this you?

I know it was me.  It took me awhile to learn that spanking breaks the bond of trust that a child has with their parent.  And respect is grounded in trust, not fear.  So what can you do when your child is being disrespectful?

1. Take a minute to calm down and get clear on how you’re feeling. Angry? Afraid? Some combination of the two?  Let your feelings speak to you.
2. When your head clears and your heart stops pounding, invite your child to sit with you for a quick conversation.
3. As soon as possible after the “disrespect” incident, look your child in the eye and tell him or her clearly (and calmly) that the problematic behavior is no longer an option.
4. Allow child to respond (yes, I KNOW how hard this is!)
5. Remind your child that you love and support them no matter what.
6. Then (now that you’ve laid the groundwork), clearly explain what is wrong about what they did and/or said, and why it feels disrespectful.
7. Explain your values around the issue of disrespect. Share why it’s important to you, and how bad it feels when you aren’t feeling respected.
8. Ask them if they’ve ever felt that way. Help them explore and really understand what respect means to you, and to themselves, so you’re coming from the same place.
9. Try to find out what was behind their behavior, so you’ll know what’s going on with them.  Explain that you’re respecting them by doing this. Ask them how it feels.
10. Ask for what you want: give them a specific outline for the behavior that you’ve described, so they’ll know, in their young brains, what’s expected of them.
11. Talk it out!  And by that, I mean you listen and encourage your child to talk.
12. Don’t take it personally.  Once you’ve calmed down and are talking with your   children, ask specific questions about what’s challenging in their life.  Make sure your behavior is something you want your child to imitate.  And then you won’t have to worry about feeling disrespected.
13. Keep R – E – S – P  – E – C – T at the heart of every discussion with your children.  SHOW them the way you want them to behave.

Remember African-American author James Baldwin, who taught me that, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

“There is no such a thing as a bad child, honey.”

I said those words the other day to a group of my sister friends and they all looked at me sideways like I had lost my mind.

Yes, I do believe there are some little ones out there that are “bad seeds” who need some professional help.  But far too many parents are quick to call their children bad when their behaviors get on their last nerve.

When I was raising my little ones, I believed they were born with evil in them.  My pastor at church said that we are all “born in sin.”  So I was convinced that it was my job as a parent to drive the devil out of them so they would act right and not grow up to be destructive menaces to society.  But I didn’t realize that I was doing more harm than good by threatening, humiliating and hitting, and instilling fear, guilt, mistrust, and shame in my children.

To change, I had to first throw out that belief that children are bad, that they are born in sin.  I had to start seeing that my children had potential for growth and goodness.  I also had to understand that their behaviors were signs of them striving to learn new skills, to cooperate with others, and to understand how the world around them works.

In anger, I called my kids bad and hit them because that’s how I was raised.  Like my parents, I didn’t always understand my children’s needs for love, understanding, stimulation, closeness, and nourishment.  Nobody taught me how to REFRAME my children’s behaviors in a different way so that I could respond to their needs more positively.

So I asked my sister friends to make a list of the top 10 behaviors that irk them.  They listed the behaviors, talked about how we as parents might see each behavior, and then came up with alternate ways to view them.  So here’s our little exercise below.

Hopefully you’ll find some bits of wisdom that will help you see so-called “bad” behavior a different way and understand the logic behind how your child sees the world around them….

Crying and Fussing

The Parent: “He always wants something.  He really knows how to push my buttons.”

Another Way To See It: You are lucky that your child lets you know when he needs you for something.  He is really good at telling you when he is bored, hungry, or lonely.

Whining

The Parent: “She is doing it to get attention.  She is manipulating me to get her way.”

Another Way To See It: She is trying to practice expressing her needs.  She is showing great control over frustrations and lack of words to tell you what is really bothering her.

Getting Into Everything, Making Messes

The Parent: “He is such a problem.  He is always into my things.”

Another Way To See It: He is a real explorer and loves to learn how things work.  He is very good with his hands and loves to touch all the interesting things in the world.

Protesting Separation

The Parent: “I can’t leave her alone for one minute.  She is so spoiled.”

Another Way To See It: You have done a great job!  She is showing you how she loves you and needs you.

Picky at Mealtimes

The Parent: “He refuses to eat anything.  He will have to starve because I’m not a short order cook.”

Another Way To See It: He is growing up and showing his opinion on things.  He needs to make choices to feel grown up, like you.

Saying “NO” and Testing Limits

The Parent: “She is so oppositional.”

Another Way To See It: She is becoming an independent person; she is trying to tell you that she has a mind of her own.

Doing Things His or Her Way

The Parent: “If I always give in, he will get so spoiled.”

Another Way To See It: He is growing up and showing you how he likes to do things in his own way.

Throwing Tantrums, Hitting and Biting

The Parent: “She thinks that if she throws a fit she will get her way.  What a brat.”

Another Way To See It: She is telling you that she has lost control and needs your help.  What a great communicator.

Not Sharing or Taking Turns

The Parent: “He is so selfish.  He has more toys that he knows what to do with and can’t even share one of them!

Another Way To See It: He is starting to understand that he is not the center of the universe.

Displaying New Fears

The Parent: “She is always afraid of something.  I can’t take her anywhere.”

Another Way To See It: She is starting to think about lots of new things and sometimes that gets scary.

This lesson is drawn from “Your Guide to Nurturing Parent-Child Relationships,” by Nadia Hall, Chaya Kulkarni, and Shauna Seneca.

People write me all the time and say, “Mother Wit, I don’t know what’s wrong with my child.”  “My child has lost his mind.”  Or, “I just can’t seem to understand why my child does some of the crazy things she does.”

Let me tell you something, I’ve been there with my own kids and so I feel the frustration.  I swear, there were times when my kids pushed me to the point when I felt like I could have strangled them.

But over the years I’ve come to realize that a child’s main job is to figure out how to find their way in this big challenging world and to figure out how things work.  And what that means is that as they grow up they will test their parents and see what lines they can get away with crossing.

Now, I know this is frustrating to all you parents and guardians out there.  But you must remember that acting up at home, in school, or out in public is perfectly normal behavior.  Sometimes misbehaving is a sign that they are growing up and trying to establish their independence from you.

When I was a young single parent raising my kids I didn’t know much about the different stages of child development and so I often responded to my kid’s behaviors in ways that were not always appropriate, healthy, or effective.  A lot of times I disciplined them from a place of fear, because I didn’t know any better, and because I didn’t have the right tools.  But more importantly, I had no basic understanding of why children misbehave in the first place. So now that I’m a grandmomma and I’ve learned from many of my own parenting missteps, I’d like to share with you a few tips you need to keep in mind that will help you understand why kids act up.

1.Children want your attention.
When my grandbabies act up, I know they are doing it to get my attention.  Sometimes they might be feeling a little anxious, bored, insecure, hungry, tired or uncomfortable because their needs might not be getting met.

I think that sometimes they have mistaken beliefs about their relationship with me.  So they test me to see if I really believe the things I say to them.  I have to remember to be firm and consistent.  That doesn’t mean that I have to holler and do a lot of talk, talk, talking.  I find that talking about what I’m going to do if they don’t act right doesn’t do much good.  It only gives them the attention they want from you.

You need to have your mind set on what YOU will do, not what you will try to make your child do.  What I try to do is ignore the misbehaviors (be reasonable about it though) and try to get them to do behaviors that are useful for or else.  Now, for me, “or else” means that I will impose some logical, non-violent consequences for their behavior.

2.Children don’t always know what is expected of them.
As I said earlier, when I was raising my kids I had little understanding about what children can do at each stage of their development and so I had unrealistic expectations about their behaviors and their ability to understand what I wanted from them.  They didn’t understand my rules, and I held them to expectations that were beyond their age levels.

I used to get angry when I told my 3-year-old to clean up his room and he didn’t finish the job.  I didn’t realize that I needed to stay in the room with him to help guide him through the task and give him verbal support until he finished.

3. Children misbehave when they are afraid.
I used to hit and threaten my kids.  I thought this was the best way to keep an upper hand and control as the parent.  But I didn’t realize that when my kids felt threatened or afraid, they’d act out as a way of protecting themselves.  Looking back, I should have asked them about their feelings and found ways to make them feel safe and heard instead of minimizing their feelings or telling them that they needed to get some thicker skin when they were bullied by other kids.

4. Children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves.
I grew up in a house where my brothers and I didn’t get a lot of praise and affection from our parents.  Our parents loved us, but they didn’t believe in “babying” us.  They said they wanted to raise us to be tough kids who would be strong enough to stand on our own feet in a cruel world.  I raised my kids the same way but have come to realize that children act out sometimes because they feel bad about themselves.  If kids feel bad, then they act badly.  Adults have to do as much as they can to encourage children and to boost their self-esteem.  Children need praise and encouragement.  And you need to give them compliments for their achievements and positive behaviors instead of just harping on their misbehaviors.

5. Children learn bad behaviors by copying you.
Your children learn by watching YOU.  So don’t be surprised if some of the negative behaviors you model for them show up in their behaviors.  So if you curse, then it is unreasonable for you to get upset when your child uses bad language.  If you yell, they will copy you.  And if you hit them, then they will think it is appropriate to hit others.  You have to change your behaviors and be consistent in what you teach and what you say.

Stay tuned for Mother Wit’s next blog post: 5 Reasons Why Children Don’t Misbehave.