Dear Mother Wit,

Because of all of the news about the cop killings of Mike Brown, Eric Garner and John Crawford, my son is having nightmares about being murdered by police. How do I make him feel safe when he feels like his skin puts him in clear and present danger by law enforcement? What’s the appropriate way to talk to a kindergartener about racial profiling, police brutality and the criminalizing of Black bodies and reassure him while preparing him adequately for the reality of how he’ll be perceived as a threat?

— Ferguson Nightmares

Dear Ferguson Nightmares,

Alas, this is the plight of Black and brown parents here in America: we have to raise our children to live within and honor a system that, at every turn, consistently reminds us that we are not respected by it. This becomes glaringly apparent when protests against police brutality reach fever pitch and we Black folk voice our frustrations with tactics that target our families.

There are protests (like that surrounding the death of Mike Brown, whose shooting death by a cop sparked mass demonstrations in Ferguson), there are angry demands (like the call for a change in policing tactics after the killing of Eric Garner, whose strangling death at the hands of police officers was caught on cell phones) and there’s lots of chatter about how incredulous these cases are (like the shooting death of John Crawford in a crowded Walmart, while he was holding a toy rifle police thought was real). All that anger about the injustice of it all plays out in one big, loud, emotional stereo on our TVs, radios, social media, and haunts our dinner table conversations, and rightfully so. We’re crying out and trying to figure out how to cope with it all—maybe even figure out how to fix this thing.

The problem is that those emotional conversations often happen in front of our kids, sans the filter necessary to help them process it all. We’re talking around them, but not to them. The result: a 5-year-old child is left to consider all the scary details of these incidents—shootings, chokings, being murdered for playing with toys, riots, tear gassings, scary police officers who kill people for being Black—all on his own. And since five-year-olds are developmentally incapable of reasoning and separating fantasy from reality, it is only natural that they would gather up all the anger, emotion and snippets of information and conclude they and the people they love are in imminent danger.

How do you help your son deal with it all? Consider these steps:

Encourage conversation and listen to him.

It’s important you give up that old Black folk saying, “Children are to be seen, not heard,” and give your son the opportunity to talk about it all. He doesn’t have to be in adult conversation, but he does need for you to give him the chance to express his fears and beliefs in a safe space where his feelings are validated, he doesn’t have to check his emotions and he can count on the person who loves him most—his mother—to help him process it all. For instance, if he says, “Police are bad, they kill Black people and they are going to kill me, too,” you can counter that by acknowledging that there are police officers who do bad things to people for a number of reasons, but that an overwhelming number of them are there to protect and help people. If you really listen to what he’s saying, you can allay his fears, dispel what is unreasonable and give him the tools he needs to cope.

Answer his questions about the high-profile police brutality cases with facts.

Remember: your child’s understanding of what happened to kids like Mike Brown, Trayvon Martin and the like comes from a myriad of sources—family, friends, nightly news, fellow 5-year-olds—and the “facts” can come fast and furious, sometimes contradicting one another, sometimes embellished. It’s important, then, to let him both say what he knows and ask questions. Then answer him with basic facts and honest, developmentally-appropriate conversation that considers his feelings about the matter. Acknowledge that the details are scary, but that the chances of something like that happening to him really are low. Remind him, too, that you don’t have all the answers and that this world is not perfect, but that you are going to do everything within your power to protect him, love him, and be there for him if he feels upset or doesn’t understand what is going on.

Monitor what he sees and hears.

News coverage of both Eric Garner and Mike Brown’s deaths is graphic and full of imagery that is wholly inappropriate for kindergarteners. Simply put: seeing a dead body laying in the street or watching a man be choked to death is not something 5-year-olds should be consuming. Ever. If your child has seen it already, explain to him what happened, and put it into age-appropriate context for him: “I’m really sorry you saw that; I’m sure it was scary to watch. We are going to wish good thoughts for their families and hope that anyone who did anything wrong gets punished for it.” Then, here comes the important part: turn off the TV and radio and let your child get the information he needs about the case directly from you. Remember: the news is meant for adults. It’s up to parents to craft news into age-appropriate conversation.

Get him involved.

Racism, police brutality and racial profiling show us the absolute worst in people; the shock, sadness, hostility and anger can be heartbreaking and overwhelming, even for adults. But we know that raising our voices—whether by signing petitions, protesting or exercising our right to vote—helps not only contextualize ways to fix what’s broken, but also gives us the opportunity to work with others to make some kind of difference. This is cathartic. Give your son the chance to do the same: consider helping him write a letter to the families of Mike Brown or Eric Garner. Let him listen to music that speaks to social issues—think Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On,” Raheem DeVaughn’s “Nobody Wins a War,” or Jill Scott’s “My Petition”—and discuss their context. Share books and poems of hope: think Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise,” or Langston Hughes’ “I, Too, Sing America,” and talk to him about their meanings, too. Let him know that ours is a mighty people that has come a long way, and with each passing generation, we’ve gotten stronger—and it is possible to continue doing so.  With your love, care and attention, surely, he will come around—and be the better for it.

Dear Mother Wit,

My 8-year-old is friends with a white classmate whose parents let her do just any ol’ thing when my daughter goes to their home for playdates, like leave toys all in the floor, snack in her room and play kickball in the living room. If my daughter pulled that mess here, I’d tear her little behind up! But now her friend is coming over and I’m thinking that if she tries me, we’re going to have some problems around here. I don’t want to snatch someone else’s kid. How do I get her and my daughter to behave by my rules while they’re playing in my house? —  I’m No Playdate Punk

Dear I’m No Playdate Punk,

Let’s be clear: there isn’t an 8-year-old on the earth who’s going to be the model citizen when she’s got a playmate at the house ripping and running and having a blast alongside her. Kids are prone to shenanigans. Shenanigans will most definitely be had during a play date.

In all the excitement, your child may be tempted to temporarily lose her mind and act a fool, too, right alongside her partner. Hitting your daughter for being a kid with another kid is overkill. Really, there’s no transgression they could make in the house that would warrant you pulling out the belt to make a point that in playing, they’ve broken some of your rules. Stopping them from playing together while they get a little act right in them is more than enough punishment, I promise.

That’s not to say that your kid should be allowed to go hog wild when company’s over. It just means you should consider approaching the playdate a little differently when it’s at your house, that’s all. Do what I do with my grandkids: Lay down the law with your daughter before company arrives, and when her little friend steps through the door, sit the two of them down and go over the ground rules again: No running through the house, no tossing balls in the living room, no eating outside of the kitchen, etc.

I make very clear to my grandchildren and their guests that the rules don’t change just because they’ve got friends over, and that they’re all to be on their best behavior—to both set an example for the kids visiting, and to stay out of trouble. Somewhere in the conversation, I remind mine that they really don’t want to get embarrassed in front of their little friends, but I will lay down the law if they get out of hand–no matter who is listening and watching. Laying down the law includes extending a couple of reminders and warnings, and, if the foolishness persists, having everyone sit down in the middle of the playdate for some quiet time to reflect about how they could have avoided breaking my rules. If too many rules are broken, I haven’t a problem cutting the playdate short. Trust me when I tell you: busting up the playdate hurts way more than any swat you could give with a belt.

Knowing the playdate could go down in a spectacular display of quiet time and “you gotta go” embarrassment is usually deterrent enough for everyone—my grandkids and their friends—to keep calm and play on. But I know they’ll still have their moments when they encourage and participate in things they have no business doing—warnings or no. In those situations, I don’t sweat the small stuff. I simply stop whatever is going on, scold when it calls for it, redirect when it’s not a big deal, and let the kids do what they do: Have fun.

Dear Mother Wit,

I’m a biracial mother married to a black man and we have two kids, ages 8 and 2, and another on the way. When we go to one particular family’s house, my toddler acts out more than usual and recently, at a dinner party, he really showed out. He stood up in a chair, made his dad drop his drink and ran all over the house like a crazy person, ignoring both my husband and I when we told him to listen to us and sit down. I even tried spanking and ignoring him, but he wasn’t listening and he kept crying.

I felt so self-conscious in front of the other family, which is all black. I’m sure they were judging my parenting skills. Their children, ages 5 and 3, acted better and I couldn’t help but to feel like they were expecting something different from our parenting. I know I need to be more consistent with my disciplining, but how do I parent in public and keep control over how I choose to do so in front of a Black audience?

                                                                                                                  — Parenting in Public

Dear Parenting in Public,

Oh boy, let me tell you something: there is nothing worse than the side-eyes, blank stares, judgment and general funkiness Black folk toss your way when it looks like you can’t control your kid.

I’ve seen a rainforest full of shade heaped on mamas who couldn’t keep their kids in check at the grocery store, in church service, on public transportation and yes, even at their own homes when company is over. I’ve been there, trust me: my older daughter went through her “Terrible Twos” phase at about age three, and when I’d take her to visit my mother and her friends, those old ladies would practically hold prayer circles and séances to summons up a little “get right” for my wild child, who would cry, scream, squirm and fall out no matter who was in the room, what they were saying or how many death glares they would toss her way.

My younger daughter got more of the same when, as a toddler, she’d show up to a room full of Black folks and refuse to smile and talk and charm her way into everyone’s good graces. The temptation to put a little extra into my disciplining techniques was real: it seemed like it would be easier to pop the meaty part of their fat legs than go up against the judgmental demands of a bunch of stern old ladies who’d swear on a stack of Bibles that their kids never had tantrums, always followed directions and could catch a right hook in front of anybody with eyes if they dared step out of line in public.

Thing is, two-year-olds don’t really give a good hot doggone who’s watching or what onlookers think about their questionable behavior. They’re two. If they want to cry, run, fall out, scream, pout, stomp, laugh like maniacs, do the Dougie and drop into a deep sleep on the kitchen counter after all that Tomfoolery, they will do that. Because that’s what two-year-olds do.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said a million times: toddlers act out because they don’t know how to express themselves the way mature humans with words do. This is because they can’t yet talk. So if they’re angry, they can’t say, “Look here, I’m mad and I need you to fix that.” Instead, they’ll go ham and toss up the room until somebody figures out the 411 on why they’re mad and how they expect it to be handled. It’s nothing personal. They’re not being bad. They don’t need to be beaten to an inch of their lives or shown a wooden spoon to fall in line. They need you to figure out quickly what their needs are and handle them so that they can get back to the fun.

But you know what? This isn’t about getting control of your kid in front of others. It’s about feeling comfortable in your parenting choices, even in the face of relentless, hurtful judgment from people who think you suck because you seem like you can’t control your kid.

The best way to deal with that is to:

1. Have a plan for how to handle your kids’ tantrums—one that doesn’t include beating your baby to appease the audience watching the antics. He cries or falls out, pick him up, go somewhere quiet, let him get calm, figure out what the problem is (outside the prying eyes of the old ladies) and handle that madness like Olivia Pope does in “Scandal.”

2. Come with some words prepared for the people who insist on telling you how to discipline your kid. Whenever one of my mother’s friends would fix their mouths to question why I didn’t hit my daughters, why I didn’t relax their hair or why I didn’t yell at or snatch them up when they cried or got out of pocket, I came with this: “She’s acting her age. She’ll have it together by the time she’s off to Spelman.” Anybody who had a comeback got a very simple, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” They could stew all they wanted to, but usually, nobody had much else to say after I insisted they stay out of my business.

3. Be prepared to leave. Real talk: you have an audience ready, willing and able to tell you how to discipline your child and pass judgment because you’re giving them a show. If taking your child out of the room and giving him a chance to get calm doesn’t work, politely tell your hosts that your son is too cranky to be good company and take him home. No, children should not be the baller, shot caller of your lives, but really, there’s only a short window of time when your two-year-old will act like a two-year-old, and soon enough, he’ll have a handle on his feelings, emotions and words and be much too busy having fun to ruin yours.

Dear Mother Wit,

My 2-year-old has been hitting me, her big sister, the kids out on the playground, pretty much everybody she comes in contact with.  I popped her hand a few times and told her “No! Stop that, bad girl!” but she keeps on doing it.  How do I get this little girl to listen? — Mom of a Little Mike Tyson

Dear Mom of a Little Mike Tyson,

First things first: you need to understand that hitting your daughter for hitting you or anyone else won’t ever change her behavior.  Why?  Because by hitting her, you’re teaching her that the person who hits the hardest is the one who gets her way.  And what comes from that?  More hitting. By her and you.  A vicious cycle.

If you want to stop the hitting, you have to understand why she’s doing it.  Start with the fact that she’s two.  Which means she’s totally acting her age.  Hitting is normal, natural behavior for toddlers, who can’t yet express themselves in the ways that older kids and adults do.  The typical 2-year-old knows only about 50 to 75 words and can barely string them together into phrases or sentences yet, so they tend to hit to get attention, to say they’re hungry or tired, or because they’re frustrated over the fact that they don’t have any control over whatever is going on in the moment.

So while her mind is saying, “I really want a turn on the swing that other kid is swinging on,” or “I really don’t want to sit in this chair right now,” her ability to express those things is severely limited to her saying, “Gimme,” and “No,” with a smack or two to make sure that the other person is totally clear.

Now this is not to say that the hitting is right.  I just want you to understand that it’s normal.  Your kid is not bad.  She doesn’t have violent tendencies.  And she’s going to grow out of this phase where she expresses herself with her hands, rather than her words.  In the meantime, how do you get her to stop hitting? Check out these tips for what to do when your child hits:

1. Calm her down.  Keep it simple: take her away from whatever she’s angry about—the other kid on the swing, her sibling with the toy she wants, that box of colorful cereal she saw in the grocery aisle—get to her eye level, take her hands into your hands (gently!), look her right in the eye and tell her firmly, “No hitting.”  Don’t get any deeper than that because, again, she’s two and mad and lashing out and the last thing she’s going to be here for is a long, drawn-out conversation on why she’s can’t go all Mike Tyson just because she’s not getting her way.  Bonus: when you take her away from the scene of the hitting tantrum, you’re distracting her and making her focus on what you’re saying.

2. Help her find the words to say what she really wants. Of course, it’s not okay for her to hit, but it’s important that you help her understand and express her feelings in that moment.  This requires you to pay attention. When my daughter was little, she had an episode or two over an Elmo doll both she and her sister loved.  If she saw her big sister getting her play on, the little one would run right over and knock the big one right upside the head.  Luckily, my older daughter already knew that hitting was wrong, so she’d either tell her not to hit or she’d come snitch to me.  It took only a few times for me to realize that the little one was hitting the big one because whenever she saw her sister playing with Elmo, she wanted to play with the toy, too.  So I gave her the words to express that, then the rules for how to play with her sister: “I know you want to play with Elmo—that’s your boy. But you have to wait your turn to play with him.”  In that instance, my little sand timer that I kept in the playroom came in handy, too.  “When all the sand runs into the bottom, turn it upside down and then you can play with Elmo until the sand runs out again.” She was a smart little cookie, see?  She couldn’t talk well but she could understand me just fine.  After that, the two could take turns with Elmo and everybody was happy and there was no more hitting.  At least not over Elmo.

3. Give her some options.  She may just not be into being told what to do. I know, I know—you’re the parent, she’s the child and she’s supposed to do what you say.  But before you snatch my mom card and my wig, consider this: there are instances where your daughter is lashing out because she’s frustrated by the lack of options and control.  Nobody likes to feel like they’re not in control, even two-year-olds.  Understand, I’m not advocating you let your kid run the show.  I’m just saying it wouldn’t hurt anybody if you let your kid think she has a little more control.  How does that look?  Well, instead of telling her to pick up her toys, you could say, “Okay, it’s time to put the toys away, baby.  Which one are you going to put in the toy chest first: Elmo or the bouncy ball?”  Instead of saying, “put your shoes on so we can go,” you could say, “It’s time to put your shoes on—which one do you want to wear, the green sneakers or the sandals?”  See?  You still get what you want, and she feels like she’s being included in the decision making process.  And there’s no hitting involved—from either of you. Win for everybody!

Dear Mother Wit,

My sixth grader came home with a D in math and a C in science and I’m mad as hell about it. He always got As and Bs in school, but now he’s messing up his grades and acting like he doesn’t want to be bothered with his homework. When I was little, a whooping would be just the kick we needed to get the grades right, and if my kid comes into this house with another D, I might just go old school on him. But I don’t want to see another bad grade on his report card. How do I get him to get his grades up before the next marking period? — Frustrated School Mom

Dear Frustrated School Mom,

First of all, know this: hitting your son or taking away privileges for bad grades won’t magically make him get A’s.  You can’t beat good grades into him and never in the history of history has it ever been documented that a few well-timed, well-placed slaps will up a kid’s understanding of math and science.

What works?  Getting to the root of the problem—finding out why he’s all of a sudden not understanding or doing the work—then helping him fix what’s wrong.

Here’s what you have to remember: your son went through some big changes this school year.  He’s in middle school, which means he’s in a different, bigger building than the one he attended for all his young life, he’s rolling with new teachers he doesn’t know and who have different teaching styles than elementary instructors, and he’s navigating a new, more complicated schedule and a new student body that may include a lot of kids he’s never been around before.  Plus, he’s smack dab in the middle of adolescence: hormones are raging, puberty is turning his body inside out and his brain is having a helluva time controlling his emotions and judgment and impulses.  Mix all of this together, and you’ve got a Molotov cocktail of mess that could rock most adults, let alone an 11-year-old.

Now, of course there’s the chance that your son is getting bad grades because he’s not applying himself or paying attention in the classroom or he’s distracted when it comes time for homework and studying at home.  It’s not a stretch that at this age, your boy is testing his boundaries by acting out in class or shunning homework for some extra sleep or video game time after school.  But what’s more likely is he needs the help of a loving, caring, aware adult who can help him get organized, find his focus, deal with the stress of all the new stuff in his world and tap into all the different skills he needs to settle into this new normal.

Start by having a sit-down with his math and science teachers.  If anybody can put a finger on why your son is getting bad grades in those subjects, it’s the people charged with teaching him.  Set up an appointment time with them or reach out via email and get the 411 on what’s going on.  Ask for specifics on what it is your son is having trouble with: maybe he missed some assignments, which means he needs more structured homework time and better organizational skills; maybe he failed a test or two, which means he needs more instruction and study time; maybe he’s getting points deducted for classroom behavior, which means he needs some incentive to pay attention and focus in class.  You need to know and understand the problem in order to devise a plan of attack that works. The teachers are the key to figuring all of this out.

A note about reaching out to the teachers: I know this can be a scary, time-consuming thing, but trust me when I tell you, teachers appreciate it when a parent gets involved, asks questions and makes it clear that she cares about her kids’ grades and learning habits.  They don’t want your kid to fail any more than you do; in fact, they want your boy to win.  You have to trust that.  You have to trust, too, that you have enough skills and intelligence to walk in the room and advocate on behalf of your kid, even if you don’t understand basic physics or algebra.  This part is key, because please believe me when I tell you, I am not smarter than a 6^th grader.  I haven’t one clue about how to do my daughters’ math and science homework.  But their teacher isn’t expecting me to.  What these teachers want from me is a partnership; they want to know that even if I don’t get what my kids are working on in class, I will work hard to make sure my kid gets the help he needs to learn both in school and at home.

How do you do that part? Here’s some tips that helped me with my own kids.

1. Get your son a tutor.  Maybe your son’s math and science teachers offer up extra hours after school for added instruction. Or maybe there’s a resource center at the school that provides tutors—whether adults or older students—who can help.  Free online tutoring is just a Google search away, and there are local tutors you can pay for nominal fees.  When my younger daughter was having trouble with math, I hired one of the gifted teachers at her school; she worked with my daughter on match and writing every week for an hour for $30 a session.  It was the best money I ever spent.

2. Help your kid get organized and ready to do his homework.  I get it: after a long day at work, the last thing you want to do is stand over your kid and make sure he’s doing his homework, but really, this is when your son needs your help the most. When my daughter used to come home from middle school, she had to write a to-do list of her assignments and lay out everything she needed to complete her work.  Then I gave her a snack and let her rest for an hour before she dove into the work.  This part is key.  Your kid has been in school all day, learning, socializing, mind running a billion miles a minute. When he gets home, he needs to unwind and distress from a long day—just like we do as adults with full-time jobs.  My daughter knew she could do whatever she wanted with her hour of free time: she could sleep, watch TV, play on her iPod, look at YouTube videos—whatever her heart desired.  But when that hour was up, it was time to get to work.  Once she finished, she presented her work to me for review against her “to-do” list, then she packed it away neatly so that she could hand it in the next day.

3. Understand the role that stress may be playing on your kid’s abilities. Any deaths in the family?  Has someone he loves—his father, an older sibling, a friend he loves and respects—disappeared from his life? Have you been struggling with a relationship, finances, work or anything that’s had you lashing out at your child, or being extremely short with him?  All of these things could be contributing to the way your son is behaving in school.  Think about it, then talk to him and reassure him that things may be different now, but that the two of you are going to be all right as long as you do your job and he continues to do his—which is to do well in school.

4. Bribe him. Yes, punishing your son for bad grades could make him work a little harder.  But you know what will make him work a lot harder?  Positive incentives.  Money for every A on his report card.  Playdates with friends for every positive report from the teacher.  An outfit or pair of sneakers for any grades improved by a whole letter grade.  Exclusive one-on-one time with you.  Whatever it is that floats your son’s boat, offer it as an incentive to do well.  Yeah, yeah, we all want our kids to do well because it’s the right thing to do.  But positive reinforcement goes a lot longer way than  threats and physical violence.  He’s still a kid, and kids are relatively easy to win over with the simplest things, beginning with attention and promises from the person he loves more than anyone else in the world.

I can’t guarantee that these things will make your kid a straight-A student. But they’ll certainly go a long way in helping him get himself and his grades together, with help him understand that he can depend on you to have his back.

Dear Mother Wit,

I took my three-year-old to the grocery store with me last week and by the time we got to the cashier, she lost her natural born mind.  I should have torn her little butt up right then and there for acting up, but I was too busy paying, putting my groceries in the cart and getting out of that store while everybody was staring at us.  How do I keep her from acting crazy the next time, without catching a case?     — Grocery Gangsta

Dear Grocery Gangsta,

Trust me: I’ve been there. We all have. And when it was happening to me, I couldn’t decide what was more embarrassing: my toddler screaming and falling out at the register, or all those staring eyes burning a hot hole in my head while I was trying to get her and my groceries together. You feel judged. Like everyone watching is deciding that, based on your kid’s actions, you totally suck as a mother. You feel, too, like your kid should know better. And the only way to get people to think you’re a way better mother than your kid is showing them at the check-out line is by putting your parenting skills on full display—with a smack or two to show your kid and everyone standing around doubting your sills that you are, indeed, in charge.

Thing is, hitting your toddler at that particular moment doesn’t necessarily prove you’re a good parent. In fact, all it does, really, is make your kid cry more, or intimidate her into being quiet for that moment. But it won’t change your child’s behavior. Because you know what? Your toddler is three, and that’s how three-year-old humans behave. Truly, you can’t change that, especially when they’re bored, tired, hungry or sleepy. In other words, your kid is acting her age.

But what you can change are your parenting tactics. Getting a little “act right” into your daughter at the grocery store is possible. But that comes hours before you even make it to the store. Here’s what worked for this Black mom who considered a spanking at the checkout when the tantrum was too much:

I stopped taking my kids to the grocery store tired and hungry. If my daughters were sleepy and hungry by the time we got to the grocery store, they acted like it: the whining, the begging for food and drinks down every aisle, the fall outs if they didn’t get their way—all of that was a symptom of being tired and hungry, not being a bad kid that deserved to be hit for acting out. Think about it: when you’re tired and hungry, do you model perfect behavior? If you do, it’s because you’re a grown-up. Toddlers know of no such thing; they want what they want when they want it because that’s the toddler way, especially when they’re tired and hungry. Crying and screaming is pretty much the way little humans express themselves because they don’t have the talking down yet and they don’t know how to communicate their feelings like grown-ups do. How do you avoid the crazy? Don’t go to the store until your toddler’s had a nap, and feed her before you go. This way, she’s happy and can handle the aisles without working your nerves.

I brought snacks and entertainment and turned shopping into the best toddler game ever. Oh please believe: we put that Elmo tote to work, okay? I’d pack baggies full of peanut butter crackers, goldfish, apple slices and a spill-proof cup full of water, a couple of her favorite toys, and a book or two, and then as soon as we’d get into the store, I’d pop her into the cart and let her have at the bag. No kid can resist a bag full of goodies, and that bag of goodness would buy me at least 20 minutes-worth of shopping. If my trip took longer than that, the backup plan was to let her join in on the shopping. We’d practice our colors and foods: “Point out the red can! Which ones are the strawberries?” I’d let her pick up some items off the shelves—like cereal boxes and loaves of bread and yogurt. And when we’d get to the register, I’d let her help unload the cart. Yes, I know that sometimes toddler “helping” isn’t helping at all, but having her drop a loaf of bread was way easier to deal with than a fall-out.

I shopped like a pro and kept my trips short. Again: planning what I needed before I left was the best offense to a potentially defensive toddler. Wander into a store unsure about what you need and tripping down every aisle. See what happens. You’re there for forever, and the longer you stay, the more irritated your kid gets. Because that’s what kid humans do: they get tired and bored and they want to run around and move their legs and act the fool. I avoided this by making my grocery list at the house, and sticking to it when I got to the store. This cut what could be an hour-long trip down to no more than, like, 20 minutes. Get in and out and you won’t have no worries.

I wasn’t above bribery. Oh please believe, I was happy to pick up a Go-Gurt or a juice box or a bag of fruit snacks and put it in my pocket and let my kids know that if they “helped” mommy shop, they could get that little piece of goodness in the car. What did “help” mean? No acting the fool. Period. And I stuck to that. If they cried before we left the store, no treat. Having to go without the fruit snacks hurt way more than a tap on the butt, trust.

So try these tips the next time you take your little one shopping with you.  And remember, when you find yourself frustrated — don’t hit the kids, hit the keyboard for more of Mother Wit’s soulful parenting advice.

Dear Mother Wit,

I found out recently that a kid on my son’s bus has been bullying him.  It started with him calling my son names, and then the bully tripped my boy a couple times while he was making his way to his seat, and last week, he punched him so hard my kid cried.  Now, I know the bully was wrong, but I’m not raising any punks, either.  The way I see it, he needs to smack fire out of that bully’s mouth if he wants the madness to stop, and if he doesn’t get it done, he’ll have to answer to me.  But my girlfriend thinks I should go up to the school and talk to the principal.  Who’s right?— Bullied’s Mom

Dear Bullied’s Mom,

I get it.  The old school was raised to believe that punching a bully dead in the mouth will show him that you’re not weak, putting an end to all the foolishness.  In theory, winning that fight should make your son stand up a little straighter, feel a little stronger and get on that bus with a little less fear, all while putting his bully on notice: don’t start none, won’t be none.

There’s something to be said for this.  Our kids are going to face adversity throughout their lives.  When they’re young, it may be in the form of bullying, fighting, electronic aggression and dating violence or may involve weapons or gang violence.  And when they’re older, bullies will be more clever; people will use their position and power to force them to do things they don’t want to do or make them feel bad about themselves.  So there is some value to preparing our kids to fight, not flee, these battles.

But telling your kid to “just hit him back” doesn’t necessarily work in the real world, not today.  These days, hitting another kid, no matter if the other kid started it, can get your son into a bunch of trouble, not just with his bully, but also with school administrators who are practicing what they call “zero tolerance” policies.  That means that they don’t care who started what: if you swing on someone, you’re in trouble.  Big trouble.  Your telling your son to defend himself by fighting back could land him in detention, suspension or worse: kicked out of school or arrested by police officers, who are being used more and more in schools in communities of color to criminalize our kids, rather than to keep them safe.  This is especially true for Black boys.  You don’t want that for your son.

More importantly, your son doesn’t need your fist.  He needs you.  One of the messages we send to our kids when we make them take the bullying, handle the problem all on their own or face physical punishment from you for “taking the bullying” is that we don’t necessarily have their back—that if they snitch they’re being weak and we’ll be more upset by this than we will with the actions of the bully that hurt them.  He’s already being beaten up by the bus bully, an experience that’s really hard for kids to handle as it is.  He doesn’t need you to beat on him, too.  What your son needs from his mother, the person who loves him more than anyone else in this world, is your love, support and grown-up help.  Here’s what you do:

 1.     Tell your son that it is not his fault that he is being picked on and hit by the other kid.  Explain to him that kids who bully other kids—whether with their fists, their words or on social media—are wrong for doing it, and that they usually lash out at other kids because something is wrong with them.  Maybe he’s getting in trouble at school, or he’s got problems at home with abusive parents or siblings.  Whatever the bully’s problem is, it’s making him lash out in destructive ways, and your son, for whatever twisted reason, is his target.  Tell your son that there is nothing wrong with him; there is something wrong with the bully.

2.     Recognize that hitting your son for not hitting another kid sends him the message that hitting is not only right, but also a requirement for your love and respect.  Know this: Hitting. Is. Not. Okay.  And threatening to hit your son for refusing to hit another human being makes him feel even more vulnerable and powerless.  Right now, your son is feeling fearful, frozen and powerless, and he needs to be able to count on you to help him deal with those emotions, not pile on to them.  Instead of hitting him and asking him to be violent, hug him and let him know that he can count on you to be the grown-up in this situation and do something to stop this mess.

 3.     Go to the school and talk to the principal about the bully’s behavior.  They are the most qualified to deal with bullies and will handle it, but only if they know what is going on.  It is on them, the experts, to put a stop to the hitting and harassment, and their responsibility, too, to talk to the bully, find out why he’s been lashing out at his fellow students, punish him for his actions and put together a plan for correcting his behavior

4.     Teach your child how to defend himself.  No, I don’t mean teach him how to throw an uppercut like Mike Tyson. I mean teach him how to say out loud, “Leave me alone,” or “Stop it,” or, “That’s not funny,” and then walk away from the bully without engaging him further. Teach your son, too, that there is safety in numbers: walk with friends and the bully is less likely to start some stuff because he only wants to pick on one kid, not five. It’s okay, too, to teach your son some moves designed to protect himself from the bully’s physical attacks. Get him into a karate or Tae Kwan Do class, where he can be taught how to guard himself from the blows of others, and, more importantly, gain confidence in his own strength. This will go a long way in helping your kid be less fearful because he’ll know he can handle himself.

These things give your son the balance he needs to fight against his bully the right way. There’s nothing wrong with updating our responses to be a little bit more sensitive to the way that our children think and react to danger and threat.  We need to let our kids know that we’re stepping in on their behalf to send the message that people care about them and will protect them, no matter what.  Some kids are going to be able to suck it up and face the bully down.  Others are going to be afraid and do damage to themselves instead. It’s on us to give them a third option to trust that their parents, the grown-ups in charge, will do something about it, and hold these schools and their administrators and the parents of the bullies accountable for not keeping kids safe from unbearable abuse.

Now go hug your baby and tell him you got his back!

Dear Mother Wit,

I have a 14-year-old son who just started walking around with his pants sagging.  I can’t stand it!  Him and his friends walk around the house, their schools, down the street and everywhere with their boxers showing, buttocks and butt cracks exposed and their belts around their thighs.

This is disgusting and I want to slap him upside his head for this foolishness!  How is my son, and how are his friends, ever supposed to get jobs looking like that?  How can they be taken seriously when, as young black men, they already have every strike against them?  They look like low-life gangster criminals—what if my son is stopped by the police, or locked up, or beaten or even killed by the police or some other freelance vigilante who assume he’s a thug because of his sagging pants?

I’m angry, Mother Wit, but mostly I’m scared.  I hate saggin’ and everything it stands for, and I have trouble sleeping at night because I’m so worried about something bad happening to my son. Please help!  What do I do Mother Wit?  How do I get my son to pull up his pants?

                                                                           A Desperate Mom

Dear Desperate Mom:

That’s a great question!

First, let me say that, just like you, and like most of us, I HATE the whole saggin’ pants thing. Nobody’s drawers should be displayed in public for any reason, and we all agree that saggin’ not only looks distasteful and ridiculous, but makes our young men walk like they’re shackled with fashionable chains.  And then there’s the whole concept—whether or not it’s accurate—that saggin’ came from prison culture and seems to be an invitation to that horrifying ritual of prison life.

That said, honey, I think it’s easy to miss the REAL messages in and behind saggin’.  And trust, it took me a while to get to this point my own self!

Think about it: we ALL wore stuff in our youth to annoy adults. That’s a natural part of growing up, right?  I fussed at my son and his friends plenty during their teens.  However, even as I fussed and expressed my disgust, I recognized it as:

A.  A tribal teen expression of rebellion guaranteed to elicit disapproval from elders–and what could be more delicious at that age?

B.  The human yearning to “fit in” with their “tribe.”

If we look OBJECTIVELY at various clothing, hairstyles, accessories, tats, and piercings, quite honestly MOST of us and most other folk look ridiculous and even offensive to many people who are not of–or appreciative of–that particular tribal garb.  But it helps us be instantly identified, and to fit in.

In my generation, we rocked hot pants, bellbottoms (often polyester), crazy platform shoes and go-go boots.  And it was not uncommon for teenagers who came home with big Afros to be criticized, put on punishment or even kicked out of the house and threatened with being disowned by their families!

I also have an undeveloped theory that saggin’ is our young men’s way of telling us that we have let them down, as parents, as teachers and as a community.  As a group, as a collective, we absolutely HAVE let them down and we still are.  That doesn’t ignore or negate personal responsibility or free will, but if we get stuck on criticizing, condemning and judging THEM, we forget to look at ourselves.

This video by deejay Jay Smooth can open our eyes—all of us—to seeing saggin’ in a whole new way.  I love his play on words . . .

“Whenever a young Black man, pulls his pants up, the very inner workings of the cosmos immediately realign in his favor … as soon as you do it, your whole neighborhood starts changing all around you.  Suddenly there are all these well-funded schools and public resources and affordable housing—it’s incredible …”

Really though, Desperate Mom, I want you to ask yourself why you get so upset when you see your son other young men walking around with their pants sagging?  My mother wisely taught me that WHATEVER annoys you in others is merely a reflection of something you need to address in your own self.

Lastly–and most tragically–some cities/states have or are trying to enact laws to make saggin’ illegal.  So let’s think about that for a minute: what better way to feed the voracious and vicious cradle-to-prison pipeline?  If hot pants, big hair, mini-skirts, polyester and ridiculously high platform heels had been illegal back in my day, we’d have ALL had criminal records.  Let’s focus, people: we have radioactive oceans, seafood is no longer edible and we’re on the brink of war.

Where do WE need to “pull up our pants?”

Here’s some things I want you to think about Desperate Mom:

1. Focus on the kind of young man you want your son to become, and hold that in your mind. Look at him and talk to him and treat him as if he is already that young man.

2. Look at your son’s environment and ask yourself: what are the real issues here—like education and jobs and health care and the environment.

3. Talk honestly with your son about your fears for him.  Don’t focus on the pants (I know it will be a challenge!).  Just share your feelings, quietly, but passionately, in a way that doesn’t make him feel attacked or like he has to defend his choices.  You might be surprised at the power of a loving mother’s honest confession.

4. Ask your son what saggin’ pants mean to HIM.  Listen without judging (if you’re like me, that will require a lot of deep breathing and maybe even biting your tongue).  Listen.  Take in his truth.  Acknowledge it.  Respect it, even if it frightens you, makes you angry or sad, or makes you feel rejected.  Just accept what he’s saying, because that is what he needs most from you right now.  The world will teach him about how his fashion choices affect his job prospects, and it’s OK for him to fail sometimes, to learn important lessons.

5. If you wore things in your teens that annoyed your parents and other adults, share pictures of yourself (or from magazines) that show those fashions with your son.  Share how you felt when adults expressed disgust or disapproval (if that happened).  Share how you felt as a teen who was making a fashion statement.

And please, report back to me, Desperate Mom, and let me know how this goes!  I really want to hear back from you.  We’re all in this together, all learning and growing as parents and grandparents, teachers and nurturers.  Thank you for your wonderful question.  I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Until next time, remember, DON’T HIT THE KIDS, HIT THE KEYBOARD!

Mother Wit.

Dear Mother Wit:

Why does my child interrupt me every time I’m on the phone?  He can be playing, just as happy as can be, and as soon as I get on the phone, he’s whining, interrupting me, acting out.  I’m tempted to just spank him so I can continue my call.  I don’t talk on the phone very often, but when family and friends call, sometimes we need to have a conversation. Please help!

                                                                                                           Desperate in Newark

Dear Desperate:

Ooh chile, I remember those days so well!

Wait, what am I talking about?  My kids are grown, but now my grandbabies do the same thing to me.  Fortunately, I’m older, wiser and a bit more patient.  But I feel your pain: kids interrupting phone calls can definitely try the nerves of a saint, not to mention regular folks like us.

Here’s what I’ve done with my children and grandchildren:

1. Make sure they’re safely occupied, and explain to them that you have a phone call and will be talking for awhile.  Remind them to play quietly, and that you don’t want to be interrupted except in an emergency. (I know this is risky: any child might consider their sudden desire for a cookie an “emergency.” Depending on their age, you can give them some examples of a true “emergency.”

2. When (not if) they interrupt you anyway, give them “the look.” You know “the look,”—the one that says, “Stop that this minute, or else you’re in trouble.” Pause: I’m not suggesting that the “or else you’re in trouble” include physical punishment. But it is important to let them know that their behavior is inappropriate.

3. Decide ahead of time what the consequences will be for interrupting phone calls, and communicate those consequences clearly to your child.  Warning: You will need to repeat that explanation often, especially if your child is very young.  Be calm and consistent in how you communicate: “Sometimes Mommy needs to talk on the phone.  When you see me on the phone, I’m having a conversation with somebody, and it’s not acceptable to interrupt me.  Do you understand?  If you need something from me, you can wait until I’m off the phone, unless you’re hurt, or something is really wrong.”  Then I would take a minute—when both of you are well-fed, rested and calm—to come up with a list together of what “really wrong” means.

4. Be patient.  There seems to be something deep down inside children (and some pets, too!) that causes them to suddenly require your attention when you’re talking on the phone.  Yes, it’s frustrating, but try not to give into the frustration.  (As I’m writing this, I’m reminding myself to do the same thing!).  We all need to remember that as their parent/grandparent/caregiver, you are, at that moment, the center of their universe, especially if they are very young and completely dependent on you for everything.  Maybe it’s natural for them to feel some anxiety when your attention is focused elsewhere for a period of time—sometimes I think that’s just the natural survival instinct kicking in.  I try to practice deep breathing when the stress gets to me, and remind myself that the child isn’t “bad” or deliberately trying to get on my nerves.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Inhale.  Exhale….

Also: I bought my grandson a play phone, and explained to him that he can use that when I’m on the phone.  I’ll let you know.

Till next time remember: DON’T HIT THE KIDS, HIT THE KEYBOARD!

Dear Mother Wit,

Dear Ruby,

Some children eat everything.  But many don’t.  Some don’t like meat, or seafood, or eggs.  Some won’t touch dairy.  Funny thing is, I’ve never met a child who didn’t like sweets!

But many children refuse to eat their vegetables.  I went through this with my kids, and I hear from parents all the time who become so frustrated that they want to spank their kids to get them to eat their vegetables.

These aren’t necessarily bad or mean parents.  After all, vegetables make all of us healthier, and it’s frustrating when your child won’t do what’s best for them.  Especially after you shopped for the vegetables and prepared them in a manner you think your child(ren) will enjoy or at least tolerate.

If you get to that point of frustration (and anger) because your child is refusing to eat their vegetables (or something else healthy), here are a few quick tips to keep your stress level down, and help find a solution:

1. Take a breath.  A deep breath.  A few more. That helps to lower the stress/anger/frustration.
2. Make sure your child doesn’t have an allergy or sensitivity to that particular food (yes, even vegetables can be hard for some children to tolerate).
3. Ask yourself whether your child is refusing to eat to drag you into a power struggle.  It is in a child’s nature to draw parents into power struggle—it’s how they learn and grow.  As the parent, the adult, YOU need tools to shift the situation into something that doesn’t end up with tears, regrets, and even more power struggles.
4. If your child is using this to pull you into power struggle, let go of the need to win.  Yes, you read that right! Sometimes our need to win drives us into losing situations.  I learned this the hard way!  Now this might not be easy, but children sense when we put a lot of energy and emotion into something and most times, they will pick that something to test us.  By neutralizing your attitude toward the vegetables (or whatever the issue is), you take back some of the “power” without the struggle.  For instance, you can say, “Well, I’d like you to eat those carrots because they’re good for you, and I love you so I want you to be healthy.  But if you’re not going to eat them, fine. Give them to your brother, your sister, or the dog.”
5. Should you bargain?  You know: “If you eat your carrots, you can have some peach cobbler for dessert.  But no carrots, no dessert.”  This is a tricky one.  You can try it.  Of course that sets up a bargaining situation where you might always have to have something to “give” in exchange for the child doing as you ask.  You don’t want this to be your permanent fallback maneuver.  But sometimes it can do in a pinch—especially if you’re at someone else’s house and want to avoid a scene.
6. What worked for me was to involve my children in the process.  I’d take them to the store and let them help me pick out the vegetables that THEY would eat.  The deal was that if they picked them out and put them in the cart and I paid for them and cooked them, they would agree to eat them.
7. I also found that sometimes kids prefer some vegetables raw.  My daughter loved raw green beans.  So I washed them, dried them, snapped them into pieces, discarded the ends and served them with sliced cucumbers, carrots, sometimes other vegetables, and a yogurt or ranch dip. Success!

It’s always a parenting challenge when a child refuses to do as you ask or tell them.  Remember that power struggle situation. PICK YOUR BATTLES! And when you take a stand on those things that are most important to you, you’ll move out of that “I’m the parent, therefore the authority and you must do everything I say,” into a mind-set that focuses on asking yourself, “What does my child need from me right now in this situation?”  That can help you see past the tension of the moment and keep your long-term parenting goals in mind.

And remember: the VERY best way to get your child to eat healthfully is to model that behavior consistently for them.  And explain why you’re doing it—connect the value of the food to something that matters to them.  “Carrots help you see better, which helps when you play ball.”

Do as you want them to do!

Until next time remember, DON’T HIT THE KIDS, HIT THE KEYBOARD.  Visit www.sparethekids.com for positive discipline tips.