Dear Mother Wit,

My daughter is 9 and suddenly she won’t eat regular meals. She ignores all other food and demands dessert. I don’t know what’s up with that, but I am not having it. I grew up where you ate what was on your plate, or you went hungry. She used to be a pretty good eater, but now she doesn’t like anything unless it’s super-sweet. How can I deal with this foolishness without whupping her? 

Food Fighter

Dear Food Fighter,

Been there and still have the battle scars to prove it. I know how frustrated you’re feeling—and worried that she’s not getting enough nutrients for her growing body. 

I’d start with a doctor’s visit for a check-up to make sure there aren’t any health-related issues. And discuss this problem with her doctor ASAP! They might have some health-based suggestions that can help. Be sure to mention if there’s a family history of diabetes, and have her checked for that. 

The hard part is not turning meals into a battleground—especially when you grew up like we did when we weren’t allowed to express opinions about the food our parents put on the table—we ate or, as you said, went hungry. But it’s a new day and food is much more complicated.

One thing we know more about is food sensitivities. Ask her about the foods she used to like and eat, and find out what’s different now. Are certain foods making her feel bad? If that’s not the case, think about certain textures. Many of us prefer some textures over others. One of my grandkids won’t eat anything “slimy,” and another one hates anything that’s dry. Then there’s the one who won’t eat anything without ketchup!

Try involving your daughter in meal planning and preparation. Ask her to pick some (non-dessert) foods that she WILL eat. Let her help shop for and prepare those foods and if she doesn’t like the way they’ve been prepared, encourage her to go online and find some (healthy) recipes that you can try together.  And so the same for healthy desserts—get her interested in nutritious ways to address that sweet tooth. 

Assign her responsibility for “setting the mood” for dinner—decorating the table, etc. and see if that helps. Also make sure everyone is paying attention to each other—no televisions or phones during family mealtime. 

There aren’t any instant solutions—you have to try different things and see what works with her. In the process, ask and listen. You might learn things about your daughter that you wouldn’t otherwise know, and strengthen your relationship in the process.

Bon appetite, Mom!

Dear Mother Wit,

My son won’t let me potty-train him! My family says he’s past old enough, but no matter what I do, he’s not having it. He know how to use the potty, but he won’t stop what he’s doing to go to the bathroom. My husband says he needs a good whuppin’ but that’s not how I want to raise him. This boy is too smart and hard-headed—what can we do?

Pooped Mom

Dear Pooped Mom

Using the potty is a natural body function and your son will get it together when he’s ready. It becomes a battle when it’s more important for him—or you—to “win” than to do what’s natural. The toddler years are when your children first learn to engage you in power struggles—and the time to let them know that those struggles aren’t going to work in their favor. Let’s look at how you can get him to cooperate—and support his cooperation in the process. 

Toddlers are discovering a need have control. Make him feel like he has a choice. Let him know that he can switch to big boy underwear when he wants (I’d buy him a few pairs with designs or popular characters that he likes), and that he can wear pullups when he chooses. Reward him with praise, a small prize, or even a sticker on a chart when he notices that it’s time to go, and asks you to take him to the potty—or when he uses the potty by himself! Get the other adults in your family to encourage and praise him for being a “big boy” when he shows signs of progress.

Don’t be too hard on yourself—or on him. Potty training is a developmental skill that every child builds when they are ready (and he will get there, I promise). The bigger deal you make of it, the more he’s likely to fight back. Go with the flow and trust the process. Nature always wins!

Dear Mother Wit,

I have three kids. My youngest is two, and he loves to play on my phone. That’s okay to a point, but when I need my phone, he doesn’t want to give it up. When I take it, he starts screaming and won’t stop. He can go for hours! Once he threw my phone to the floor and cracked the screen. What am I doing wrong?

Is There an App for This?

Dear Is There an App for This?

I get so many questions just like yours! Even the littlest kids today are screen-savvy—they seem to be born that way. We all form habits with our devices. When little kids grow up with a phone or tablet in their hands, they learn that this is normal. They can’t yet understand that you have adult responsibilities to take care of on your phone. They think it’s a toy—their toy—and don’t know how delicate (and expensive!) it is. I know how tempting it is to give your son the phone to keep him quiet or occupied when you’re busy. 

Now is the time to change YOUR habits! Find some toys that engage and challenge him and wean him off of your phone and other digital devices. Not only is he too young for a sophisticated device, he needs to learn other ways to play and entertain himself. Exercise your patience muscles—toddlers are most likely to be resistant when they have extra energy to burn. Try to engage him in physical activities. Have your older kids help out by reading to him from books (old-school, right?) and playing with him using tools to develop his tactile abilities.

If you’re not already controlling screen time for all of your children, get them together and set some boundaries that they can all follow. Encourage and reward them when they do better. Building responsible digital device and screen use into your family culture will benefit all of you, I promise! 

My kid’s whining is working my nerves. My son is 11 and lately he’s been whining whenever I tell him “No!” or to stop doing something. He whines for hours. Sometimes I’m tempted to give in and let him have his way just to shut him up. The sound makes me crazy.  I can’t stay calm when he starts that mess. Can you help me?

Hands Over My Ears

Dear Hands Over My Ears,

I feel you! Whining works all my nerves, too. Kids learn fast that we’re more likely to respond to their whining because it is so annoying. First thing I learned to do is to cut it off when it starts. Look your son in the eye, put your hand on his shoulder if you can, and firmly explain that you can’t respond when he whines. Tell him you love him, and you need him to talk in his “strong voice.” (Use your calmest voice when telling him this). Help him to identify how he’s feeling: sad, angry, frustrated, unheard. Explain that when he whines, it’s like hearing a siren or alarm that makes you feel nervous and less likely to hear what he’s really trying to say. 

Whining is a habit, so next time he tries it, calmly shut it down and help him find the “strong voice” to communicate with you. Let him know that you still might not give him what he’s asking for, but the important thing is to teach him to communicate so you can at least hear what he’s trying to say.  And remember to praise him when he makes improvements!

Dear Mother Wit,

My teen daughter got kicked out of school for fighting another girl. She’s always been a good student, well-mannered, gets pretty good grades. She’s never acted up in school all these years and now this? I met with her school guidance counselor and had to sign some paper saying I agreed with her getting kicked out. When I ask her what happened, she won’t talk, just says I “wouldn’t understand.”  I’m so mad I want to whup her, but that doesn’t seem like the answer. I have to work and worry about what she’ll do on those three days that she can’t go to school.

Stressed Mom

Dear Stressed Mom

Thanks for reaching out. I know just how you feel. And how tempted you are to whup your daughter. But you’re right—that’s not the way to help. First thing is to find a way to use those three days. Can she volunteer somewhere in the community that’s safe for her to spend her time? Or spend time with a trusted family member or other adult who will work with you to structure her activities? You might also want to schedule a visit to her doctor to make sure her health is in order. Also explain to your daughter that you know it had to be something big to make her fight someone. When both of you have calmed down, explain to your daughter that you know it had to be a big deal to get her into a fight. Try to find out if she was bullied or attacked, or whether she started the fight. Resist the temptation to judge, blame, or criticize her—let her know you understand her feelings BUT emphasize that fighting is rarely the answer. Brainstorm other ways to respond to aggression or express anger that won’t get her kicked out of school. And remind her that even when she messes up, you love her and are happy that she’s your daughter. That she’s precious. And that you believe in her ability to use this unfortunate situation to learn and grow. 

Dear Mother Wit:

I’m an introverted mom with a very extroverted 10-year-old daughter. She is super-social, and having a hard time adapting to the COVID restrictions. Her school went completely online, and we’ve had to cut back on or drop the gymnastics, ballet, martial arts and music lessons that she loves. She misses her friends and feels sad that she can’t see them like she used to. It’s just the two of us, so she’s turning to me for constant conversation and interaction, which drains my energy and tries my patience. Help!

Peopled Out

Dear Peopled Out:

That’s a tough one! I give you props for recognizing the difference in your personalities and understanding how hard this pandemic is on your child. Having that insight is the key to finding a solution. 

I don’t know whether you have any pets, or are able to, but that might be one option. Your daughter could get some warm, loving attention and interaction, and you might be able to catch a break! 

It could help to schedule some time each day where you give her your undivided attention and doing something that she wants to do. Let her pick the activity, but the real thing is that she needs that interaction, that back-and-forth, conversation, and feeling that you see and hear her. 

Create some quiet time each day. She could do something like enjoy an age-appropriate television show or movie while you chill and recharge. By making it part of your routine, she knows what to expect, and you’ll know that your need is getting met. 

Find reasons to celebrate! Keep candles and sprinkles and ice cream or special treats in the house. Celebrate things like the end of the week, or an assignment, every possible holiday, the beginning of each season, etc. Have her help you create celebrations and include others virtually. 

Teachable moments: this is a great time to help her understand that people are different, and that no way of being is better than another. Helping her be aware of different personality and energy styles can enhance her social skills and make her more empathetic to people who are different from her—and that’s always a great life lesson!

Warmly,

Mother Wit

Dear Mother Wit:

My 7-year-old twins won’t eat the same food! They have totally different food preferences, and the pandemic lifestyle is making them less flexible by the day. One won’t touch any kind of meat and wants to live on fruit and pasta. The other loves meat, hates all vegetables, and will only eat a few kinds of fruit. We drink a lot of water, but they’re both tired of that and are always requesting soda (which used to be a very occasional treat). I’m trying to lose weight and eat a lower-carb diet, but trying to shop and prepare food for all of these different types of eating is insane! 

Kitchen Krazy

Dear Kitchen Krazy:

Food is love, right? When did feeding kids get so complicated? 

Many parents have kids who are picky eaters! We might have been picky eaters growing up, but our parents didn’t give us that option, right? Let’s look at how you can feed your kids without losing your mind. 

As long as your children are seeing their pediatrician regularly and don’t have any health concerns, the eating habits you describe aren’t too likely to cause long-term problems. Your fruit-and-pasta loving twin does need some forms of protein, and your meat-loving twin could use some fruits and vegetables. Sometimes the issue is that the child wants to exert a sense of control in this area of their life, or they need to feel like they have a choice. 

Some of us have aversions to the smells, tastes, and textures of certain foods, or we naturally don’t want to eat things that might be part of a healthy diet but don’t agree with our systems. Talk with your twins to see if any of these issues are behind their picky eating. 

This could be a great time to teach your kids about basic nutrition and how we all need different food groups to be healthy. You can offer choices of healthy proteins, fruits and vegetables, let them make their own plates, and even let them help you start preparing some of their own meals (under your supervision, of course). Stock up on healthy snacks. Don’t fuss at them about their eating, and don’t force them to eat anything they don’t want to, but praise them when they do try new foods. Let them help you research different foods and recipes, and try making them together. They can apply a lot of their school lessons to menu planning and food preparation, and you can all have fun while creating some new experiences and wonderful memories!  

Dear Mother Wit:

I’m about to lose it! I’m trying to juggle working from home while my kids—ages 5, 8, and 13—are sitting nearby trying to learn online. They’re trying their best but sometimes they’re noisy and restless. And they want my attention at the most inconvenient times. The stress is crazy! I don’t want to spank them or yell, but there are times when they just work all my nerves and I don’t know what to do. Please help!  

Stressed Mom

Dear Stressed Mom:

Parenting in this pandemic is no joke! I feel all your pain—been there myself with my grown daughter and her grandkids living with me now. Sometimes it feels like it’s all closing in on me at once. 

Breathe. For real: stopping to take some deep, slow breaths really can help us “gather ourselves,” as my Big Mama used to say, and hit the pause button to clear our minds.  

Next: congratulate yourself and your children for all that you ARE able to get done in these crazy times. I count every achievement—even the smallest—as a win for you and your family. While it’s natural to focus on what’s going wrong, sometimes we need to stop and remind ourselves and each other of what’s going right, and that we’re all doing the best we can in very challenging situations. 

Then: Check your expectations. First, what are you expecting of yourself? Like most of us, you do your best to hold everything and everyone together and keep life on track. Pandemic life is different—something none of us had time to prepare for—and I’ve had to relax my expectations of myself and my family to keep my stress down. Second, check your expectations of your children. As hard as these times are for adults, imagine how hard it is for them to adjust to this upside-down reality. We have to extend extra grace to ourselves and each other right now. Things don’t have to be perfect to be okay. 

Get your children invested in helping you find solutions. They can play leadership roles in problem solving. What if you talked to them like colleagues, and worked with them to find creative age-appropriate ways to address the issues that are causing all of you stress? This helps them feel a sense of purpose and some control over the situation, while showing them that you have faith in their ability to help problem solve. And it takes the burden off of you as the only source of guidance and solutions. 

How can you make some de-stressing moments for yourself and your children? Could you try different forms of meditation or family yoga—there are lots of free videos and apps available. Play soothing music—my grandkids and I are enjoying classic jazz. How about scheduling family game nights, movie nights, or cartoon watching? 

Could you work together to come up with “safe words” or signals to let each other know when any of you are feeling stressed and need to take a time-out? 

It can also help to do an “energy check.” I had to learn who in my household is an introvert (they get their energy from stretches of alone-time), an extrovert (they get their energy from interacting with others), or an ambivert (equal parts introvert and extrovert). I let everyone share what helps them relax and recharge so that we all understand and respond to each other’s needs without getting upset. 

Hang in there—I have faith in you!

Love,

Mother Wit

Dear Mother Wit:

I’m a single dad working from home during COVID. My 9-year-old son is having a hard time with virtual learning. His school is using a hybrid model that alternates at-home and in-classroom time, and he’s struggling with the back-and-forth. He’s normally a pretty good student, but he’s not doing well right now. He used to be a hard worker and I hate to see his grades going down. I’m not into spanking him, but I’m desperate for tips on how to help him. 

Frustrated Father

Dear Frustrated Father:

Children need consistency—the more, the better—in any situation. COVID is taking that away from us and nobody knows what “normal” is anymore. The “back-and-forth” of this hybrid schooling makes things even worse for students, parents, and teachers. It’s like nobody can win!

Since your son is normally a good student, I’d like you to try an experiment. Ask him to share what’s working for him and what isn’t. Which does he enjoy more: virtual learning or the classroom? How does he feel about his teacher(s)?  Once you learn more about what he’s experiencing, maybe you can work with his teacher(s) to help your son keep up. They’re probably struggling too!

So many students of all ages are struggling with these changes. Please listen carefully to him and let him know that you’re in this together, that you’re on his side, and that you will help him through this. Let him know that you don’t have all the answers, but that you can look for the answers together. And that you’re not expecting him to be the kind of student that he was before the pandemic. 

Reassure him that he’s as smart and talented as ever. Find ways to apply his lessons and interests to household chores, cooking, maybe games or crafts that you can enjoy together. Children are natural learners, and formal schooling isn’t the only way to keep them engaged and growing. And share that it’s okay to struggle, and sometimes you’re struggling to. Let him know how proud you are of him no matter how he’s performing in school. Share stories about things that you struggled with as a boy, and lessons you learned from those experiences. Reaffirm your faith in him, and your unconditional love. 

Your son looks up to you more than you realize. I know you’ll come through this together. 

Warmly,

Mother Wit

Dear Mother Wit:

Who IS this child? My 12-year-old daughter changed overnight from a sweet, well-behaved girl to a surly pre-teen with a smart mouth. She was never disrespectful, but now she talks to me any kind of way and ignores my instructions. It’s taking all my self-control not to spank her. I tried to reason with her and take away privileges, but that’s hard to keep up since we’re stuck in the house together all the time. I wasn’t allowed to be disrespectful to my mama and the few times I did get out of line, I got my butt whupped good. How do I handle this before she gets out of control? 

At Wit’s End

Dear At Wit’s End:

Your daughter’s behavior is normal for her age but that doesn’t make it easy to handle. Kids often talk back and ignore you to test their power, or even to get a reaction from you. At this age, their brains aren’t developed enough to be aware of what they’re doing or how it feels to you. 

This will be hard, but try to take a step back when she acts this way. Work to calm your nerves and clear your mind. It might help to know that she is probably not deliberately misbehaving. This is the beginning of what is called the “individuation” process where she is starting to form an identity that is separate from yours. It’s natural for her to “push back” and test your boundaries. Many of her actions are caused by the rush of hormones flooding her body and brain and she doesn’t understand what’s happening to her. 

Once you’re feeling calmer, try to focus on how both of you are feeling, rather than the disrespect. Acknowledge that she seems to be feeling upset. Share that her words and actions are causing you to feel upset, too. Suggest that the two of you talk later when you’re feeling calmer. Let her know that you care about and want to understand what she’s feeling because it’s important to you. 

While I know it’s tempting, don’t immediately punish her to feel “in control.” When you talk, you can work together on a respectful solution that works better for both of you. And when you can, give her a hug. I always told my children that “I will always love you no matter what. Right now, I don’t like what you’re saying or doing, and we’re going to address that together. But my love is forever.” 

Good luck! Buckle up—the teen years are some of the most challenging. But they can also be very rewarding. 

Warmly,

Mother Wit