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Author: Spare The Kids

Breaking the Foster Care to Prison Pipeline

Over the last decade there has been much attention on America’s school-to-prison pipeline problem.  Scholars, activists, child advocates, and the legal community have looked at a confluence of forces, including the increasing criminalization of adolescence and zero-tolerance policies that push disadvantaged children out of school and in into the criminal justice system.  But few have stopped to ask: what proportion of those children who end up in the juvenile and adult prison systems are either foster children or have had contact with the foster care system?

Nationally, one-quarter of foster youth and two-thirds of “crossover youth” have a jail stay in early adulthood.  And some states have reported that nearly 70% of adults in their prisons have had contact with foster care.  Children in foster care are at greater risk for involvement in the justice system due to abuse, neglect and home removal that stem from conditions of poverty, community instability, parental incarceration and parental substance abuse and mental health issues. Academic struggles and behavioral problems cause nearly 30% of foster children to “cross over” into the juvenile delinquency system by their early teen years.  Often, they spiral lower, drop out of school and face unemployment, homelessness and incarceration.

In this workshop attendees will learn who these youth are, confront the debilitating obstacles that often push foster youth into the juvenile and adult prison systems, and discuss ways that social service providers, legal professionals, child advocates, clinicians and educators can cooperatively limit the overall number of referrals to juvenile court and reducing the disproportionate contact students of color have with school/foster care discipline and the juvenile justice system.

 

The Grief Journey of the Child Placed in Foster Care

Abuse, neglect, and separation from important people in their lives can have profound effects on children placed in foster care. Like adults, children undergo stages of transition when their lives have been changed, particularly against their will.  It is often difficult for foster children to adjust to a new home with new people and new rules and to be subjected to supervised visits with their parents.

Children react to these new changes in a variety of ways and most typically express their feelings through behavior, not with words.  Some create problems or act out while others withdraw from the people around them.  Still other children react by being model children.  Although these outward behaviors are very different, children feel many of the same things when they are placed outside of their homes.  They may feel confused about why they have been separated from their families, and upset about what happened to them.  Some children feel angry, fearful, and powerless.  Each child works through the process of grieving and separation at their own pace.  This process may seem to move forward but then stall; it may take days, weeks, or even years.

This workshop is designed to help social workers, supervised visitation professionals, court appointed special advocates, counselors and other direct care providers understand the stages or phases of grief and ways that children may act during these stages.  Through interactive exercises and discussions participants will learn how to identify and appropriately document the behaviors that children demonstrate as they move through stages of grief and loss and develop strategies on how to respond not only to the behaviors but also the emotions behind the behaviors.

 

The Impact of Racism and Poverty on Parenting and Child Development

Even at a young age, poverty and racism can have negative consequences for child health and well-being. These nefarious factors impact children both directly and indirectly, and can leave lifelong marks on the child’s mental and physical functioning. For example, systemic racism disproportionately places low income minority children into unsafe neighborhoods and housing, and under resourced schools, while racist and discriminatory interactions leave a child prone to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.  Further, racism and poverty reduce minority parents’ mental and physical well-being, resulting in less supportive, and more punitive, parenting practices. These disengaged or harsh parenting strategies disrupt children’s emotional and cognitive development. This curriculum will help practitioners understand the negative forces surrounding racism and poverty which influence child development, as well as understand the specific implications for child well-being.

What Child Welfare Professionals Need to Know About the Science of Child Development

The early years are marked by rapid biological, social, emotional, and cognitive development. For example, infants are born with few capacities to control their behaviors or emotions (e.g., soothe themselves when distressed), but by the time they are five many children are able to wait their turn, share their toys, and sit still to listen to a story. This workshop will help practitioners better understand typical developmental processes, and the general timing of developmental milestones. Further, for children to reach their full potential they require specific kinds of experiences and stimulations. For example, a child’s development of emotional control is strongly influenced by their parents’ ability to sensitively respond to their emotional needs. This curriculum will also describe the contexts that support children’s optimal development.

Eight Dangerous Myths About Spanking

Myth #1. Being spanked never hurt anybody.

This makes little sense for many reasons. First, the whole idea of spanking is to inflict at least temporary pain. People who advocate spanking are well aware of this. Other spanking advocates have recommended corporal punishment severe enough to leave redness, welts, and even bruises on the child’s skin.
Since most children are spanked on the buttocks-a part of the body they have been told is “private”-they feel shame and humiliation as well, along with an uncertainty about how “private” that part of their body truly is. But even beyond the mortification and the physical hurt, there is a longer-lasting emotional pain. Among many other negative outcomes, being spanked has been linked to:

  • Low self esteem
  • Depression
  • Psychological Distress

Myth #2: I was spanked, and I’m okay.

Most smokers never develop cancer, most drunk drivers don’t get into wrecks, and most children who grow up in homes with lead paint do not suffer brain damage. But no intelligent adult would seriously advocate smoking, driving drunk, or using lead-based paint to decorate their walls.
There’s also one more thing to consider. Most people who were spanked are “okay” in the sense that they aren’t in prisons or psychiatric facilities. However, corporal punishment is handed down from one generation to the next. Compared to people who were not spanked, people who were spanked as children are more likely to spank their own kids. Let’s put that in plain English: People who were hit when they were vulnerable children are more likely to think it is acceptable-even desirable-for a fully grown adult to use painful physical force against a small child. How okay is that?

Myth #3: Some children need a good, hard spanking.

Let’s look at who really benefits from the spanking. The child?  No. Other interventions work just as well in the short term and better in the long term. Furthermore, the spanked child is put at risk for many negative consequences (see Myths 1, 5 and 8).
Rather, it’s the parent who benefits, in two ways. First, the parent achieves immediate results-results which could also be gotten through non-violent methods. Second, the physical punishment gives the parent a release of anger and tension-a kind of catharsis. Using a non-violent form of discipline such as time out or even a verbal command (“Don’t touch!”) will alter the child’s behavior just as effective.
In other words, parents continue to spank because spanking meets some of their own misguided needs. It does not benefit the child.

Myth #4: Spanking is the best way to stop dangerous behavior in toddlers.

Small children have short attention spans when it comes to long lists of rules. Spanking may stop the behavior in the moment, but not any more effectively than non-violent discipline (e.g., time-out, saying “no,” etc.). With toddlers no method of discipline, including spanking, works reliably for more than a couple of hours.

There are only two ways to keep toddlers safe. The first is adjusting the environment (for instance, keeping sharp objects locked away or out of the child’s reach, or building a fence around the back yard to provide a safe play area). The second is providing careful, loving, and nonviolent supervision.

Myth #5: Being spanked keeps children out of trouble.

Being spanked has consistently been linked with aggressive behavior, including domestic violence and cruelty to animals. Jordan Riak, who works with convicted felons, has noted that close to 99% of the men in his groups report being spanked as children.  If the goal is keeping children out of trouble, spanking is clearly not the way to go.
There is another problem as well. While spanking may teach some children to avoid certain behaviors out of fear of punishment, it does not teach the child to think about what is right and what is wrong. Rather, it teaches the child to ask, “Will I get caught?” and “Will I be punished?” Spanked children do not learn to measure their behaviors against their own moral beliefs. Rather, they rely blindly on the judgment of those in authority-those who have the power to punish. If the person in authority gives unethical orders, the results can be tragic. It is no coincidence that a society where physical punishment was the norm gave rise to the most shameful words of the twentieth century: “I was only following orders.”

Myth #6: Nothing but spanking works on some children.

First, let’s look at the child’s age. If the child is a toddler, for instance, no method of discipline, including spanking, is going to reliably curb certain behaviors for more than an hour or two at a time. The frustrated parent may get some emotional payoff from the spanking. The child will only be harmed.
Second, were the alternative methods of discipline being used correctly? I once spoke with a client who told me she “had” to spank her four-year-old daughter because the child wouldn’t stay in her time-out chair. The length of the time-out? Four hours! No child can be expected to sit still for four hours with no diversion-to demand it is abuse. While it is beyond the scope of this article to discuss the vast number of successful non-violent methods of discipline and how to use them, many parenting websites and books do just that. A quick search of the internet or the local library will provide dozens of effective alternatives to spanking.
Finally, some parents misperceive the actual value of spanking. They may, for instance, spank their child repeatedly for the same misbehavior, but declare time-out or some other non-violent means of discipline a failure when it does not stop the problem behavior after only one trial. The research, meanwhile, is clear: even in the very short term, spanking does not work any better than non-violent means of discipline such as explanation, time out, or verbal command.  There is no reason to strike a child. Ever.

Myth #7: Spanking isn’t hitting or violence-it’s discipline.

Imagine this scenario: an aide at a nursing home for Alzheimer’s patients discovers an elderly woman poking at an electrical outlet. The aide immediately slaps the woman hard across the buttocks several times, reducing the woman to tears.
Has the woman been hit? Most of us would agree that she has. Has she been a victim of violence? Most of us would agree to that, also. Furthermore, even though there is no permanent injury to her physical being, every state in the United States would define what happened to the woman as abuse. The aide would certainly lose her job and might face criminal charges as well; the facility would be in danger of losing its license.
But substitute “two-year-old” for “elderly woman” and “parent” for “nursing home aide” and all of a sudden, our perceptions change. The hitting and the violence become a “spanking” and even some of the most dedicated child rights activists start referring to the incident as “sub-abusive.” Why? The two-year-old is equally hurt and humiliated by the blows; he or she is no better able to defend against them; and he or she is not more likely to get any benefit from them.
The fact that our society has arbitrarily decided to offer protection to one victim and withhold it from the other does not alter the truth: spanking is hitting and it is violent.

Myth #8: Spanking is not harmful if it’s done by loving, supportive parents.

If anything, it may be even more distressing for a child to feel loved and supported by the very people who perpetrate violence against him or her. The child could learn to confuse love with violence, or to believe that it is okay to use force in the context of close, loving relationships. Or, the child could begin to feel worthless and believe he or she deserves physical violence.
Not surprisingly, the research shows that the negative effects of spanking persist, even among loving and supportive families. The negative effects that have been studied in the context of family support include antisocial behavior and conduct problems, teen dating violence, masochism, and psychological distress.
The research is clear and has been for some time: Spanking causes harm. No matter how or why it is administered, it is not benign or beneficial. It is physical violence. And, like any other type of physical violence, spanking scars its victims emotionally.
We have spent too many years ignoring the research and accepting the myths about spanking without bothering to investigate them fully. The time has come to confront these myths and stop finding excuses to hit children.

Excerpted From
Debra L. Stang, LCSW
Project NoSpank at www.nospank.net

Dear Mother Wit: “My Two-Year-Old Is Telling Me ‘No’!”

Dear Mother Wit:


I popped my daughter on the behind today. I feel bad, but I don’t know how else to get her to pay attention to me.  She’s 27 months and taking me through the terrible twos.  When I tell her to do something, she says, “No!” with an attitude.  How does a child that young even know how to have an attitude?  The more I try to correct her, the more stubborn she gets.  I love her so much, but I cannot have her being disrespectful.  I wasn’t raised like that.  My mama would have popped me in the mouth if I acted like that.  If hitting is bad and my daughter won’t listen, what am I supposed to do?  I need some advice because I’m fed up!

Dear Fed Up Mama:

I remember feeling exactly that way with each of my children.  They can work your nerves like a full-time job with overtime, can’t they?  

I know what your daughter is doing feels like disrespect.  But at just past two years old, she doesn’t understand “disrespect” the way that we do.  She’s just learning to be her own person and a natural part of that is starting to see herself as separate from you.  It’s easy to feel angry and frustrated, but this is an important stage that’s gonna set the tone for your relationship with her in the years to come.  

Here are a few things you can try:

First, as crazy as it sounds, she’s not disrespecting you!   She’s learning the power of “NO,” which is something she needs to know as she grows up.  Right now it feels bad because she’s defying you.  If you can see it that way, try to take a deep breath and move out of feeling angry.  The calmer you can be with her, the more power and authority you will have.

Let her know the rules—explain things simply in a way that she can understand.  Have a plan in place so that when she gets stubborn, you already know how you’re going to handle it.  Let her know what will happen if she doesn’t do as you say.  For instance, “When mommy tells you to do something, I need for you to do it.  The first time.  If you don’t listen and do as I say, then you’ll have to go to time-out.  That means you can’t play with your toys or watch TV or anything fun.  You have to sit still and stare at the wall.”  The hardest thing about discipline can be to follow up on what you promised.  So be prepared to put your plan into action.  

Now, she’s gonna test you to see if you mean it.  So when she acts out, punish her as you said you would.  You don’t have to yell, scream or hit her (even though you might want to).  You’ll have to do this more than once to teach her what she needs to know.  The important thing is to stick to the plan and let her know the pattern: if she acts out, she gets punished.  

If your daughter cries or gets upset or throws a tantrum, try to remember that she’s not being “bad.” She’s too young to know how to express her feelings, especially frustration or anger.  She might also be feeling sad.  When her punishment is over, talk with her calmly.  Explain that she needs to do as you say. Give her a hug and tell her you love her.  Remind her that you’re in charge, and that you know she can do the right thing.

Also praise and compliment her when she does things right, especially doing as you say.  Catch her being good and let her know you’re pleased.

The “terrible twos” won’t last forever.  They’re a normal and healthy part of your daughter’s growth, no matter how frustrating it feels to you.  Find ways to release your stress and focus on making sure she knows you’re the Head Momma in Charge.  This is where you’re teaching her how to treat you.  And it’s important because the next time she acts this way, she’ll have hormones and be asking for your car keys.  But don’t worry—I’ll be here for you when that time comes!

With love,

Mother Wit.

Too Tired To Play

Anthony Gordon Asks:

My wife and I have a 2 (soon to be 3) year old boy. He is an only child for the most part and we have no plans for any more. He goes to daycare 5 days per week however when we get home after picking him up, he wants to play with us as though we are his playmates from daycare. We work long hours and are usually exhausted when we get home. We bought him a dog to play with and that has helped some. We force ourselves to have some play time and read to him nightly before bed. Any suggestions?

Mother Wit says:

Dear Anthony,

It’s hard to come home after a long day of work and then have to spend more time and energy playing with the little ones. Lord knows, there were plenty of days when I was just too tired to get on the floor and play horsie or sit on one of those little chairs and pour another pretend pot of tea.

When my children were young I swear sometimes I wished they would magically disappear. Not forever – but just for a little while so I could read the paper, watch the news, chat on the phone or just unwind for an hour or two after work.

Some of my friends believe that they have to constantly entertain their children every waking moment of the day, but this mentality doesn’t leave time for relaxation and it can create stress. Your job as a parent is to be a role model, not a playmate.

So I learned to fill my children’s “play cups” half way and taught them how to fill it the rest of the way themselves. Sometimes I would sit down with them for a specific amount of time just to get them into an activity – like puzzles or some kind of arts or crafts – that they could continue without me. And then, I would slowly remove myself. When I would give them a little of my time then I found they were more receptive to doing things by themselves.

My oldest son was a little more of a challenge because he was my little shadow. So I would plan little activities or projects that he could do in close proximity to me and let him know the he had to play quietly while mama was doing her thing.

The other thing that worked was allowing for what I call “creative chaos.” As I took a “Mommy Break” I’d create some Kid Space where they could make a mess to keep them preoccupied for long periods of time. One time I lined their room with an old shower curtain and let them finger paint. If you look around the house you can find all kinds of old things that will keep them stimulated. I found that this approach taught my children boundaries, how to self soothe, build focus, and to be independent. Try this approach and see what happens.

How Do We Deal With Our Children’s Constant Fighting?

Vincent Powell asks:

Mother Wit we need your help! Me and my wife have two children and they are always fighting over their toys. The younger one always starts trouble with the older child. Sometimes their fights get out of control. They bite, wrestle and hit each other with objects. I’m afraid they are going to seriously hurt each other one day. I know that sibling rivalry is normal but this has gotten out of hand. We take things away from them and we separate them when they fight but neither tactic has worked. How do we get them to stop fighting?

Mother Wit says:

Sibling rivalry is definitely a normal part of growing up. It’s as old as the Bible story of Cain and Abel. It’s only natural for them to compete for attention, toys and other resources. But it’s your job to protect your children, even from one another. How they behave toward each another is their first social lesson in how to behave in a group and in public.

When my kids had their little squabbles over toys I taught them to handle it themselves. I would tell them, “I’ll be back in one minute. If neither of you can figure out how to share the toy then it will be locked away where neither of you can get to it. Try this technique and what you’ll be doing is giving your children two choices – work it out themselves or face the consequences if you have to work it out for them.

Help! I Yell At My Kids Too Much!

Cheryl T. asks:

I’m a single mom. My kids are 9, 7 & 4. I yell at my kids too much. I try not to but it’s hard because I don’t have much help with them. They don’t always listen when I tell them to do things. I’ve only hit them a few times but I don’t really believe in beating butts. My mother raised me and my brother that way and I hated it. But these kids of mine are wearing my patience thin. How can I stop yelling so much so that I don’t stress myself out and them too? Thanks.

Mother Wit says:

Dear Cheryl,

First let me say that I admire you for wanting to make some changes in how you interact with your kids. A lot folks don’t always realize that they need to make changes so they just go on doing the same old things and dealing with the same old problems.

Believe me, I know that children can work your nerves. But a whole lot of hollering doesn’t help you or the situation. When my kids would lose their minds I used self-control methods to distract me from the tension of the moment and help me keep control over the situation. Sometimes I would look up to the ceiling and pray, “Lord Jesus please help me. I don’t want to hurt these kids. Father please give me the strength to endure.” Sometimes I would count to 30 and just breathe. Sometimes I would leave the room and close myself off in a closet or bathroom until I was calm.

Cheryl, it’s normal and human to have moments when you get angry. But yelling makes the situation worse and teaches your little ones that it’s okay for them to act that way when they get upset. You might think this is a bit radical, but when you do yell, apologize to your kids and tell them something like: “Mama was frustrated. I’m sorry I yelled at you.” Then, tell them what you’re going to do differently next time. This models for your kids what they should do when they make a mistake.

Make a plan to help you stay calm. Identify what makes you feel like yelling. Write down what your kids do that causes you to lose your temper. Be specific. Include when and where the behavior occurs. Identify what happens to you before you yell so that you learn to recognize your warning signs and take steps to calm down before you begin yelling. Write down what you will do differently such as taking a deep breath, leaving the situation for five minutes or using positive self-talk. Staying calm is not easy, and you have to work at it.

CNN Interview with Dr. Patton discussing The Baltimore Mom Controversy

May 2, 2015

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