Dear Mother Wit,

My teen daughter got kicked out of school for fighting another girl. She’s always been a good student, well-mannered, gets pretty good grades. She’s never acted up in school all these years and now this? I met with her school guidance counselor and had to sign some paper saying I agreed with her getting kicked out. When I ask her what happened, she won’t talk, just says I “wouldn’t understand.”  I’m so mad I want to whup her, but that doesn’t seem like the answer. I have to work and worry about what she’ll do on those three days that she can’t go to school.

Stressed Mom

Dear Stressed Mom

Thanks for reaching out. I know just how you feel. And how tempted you are to whup your daughter. But you’re right—that’s not the way to help. First thing is to find a way to use those three days. Can she volunteer somewhere in the community that’s safe for her to spend her time? Or spend time with a trusted family member or other adult who will work with you to structure her activities? You might also want to schedule a visit to her doctor to make sure her health is in order. Also explain to your daughter that you know it had to be something big to make her fight someone. When both of you have calmed down, explain to your daughter that you know it had to be a big deal to get her into a fight. Try to find out if she was bullied or attacked, or whether she started the fight. Resist the temptation to judge, blame, or criticize her—let her know you understand her feelings BUT emphasize that fighting is rarely the answer. Brainstorm other ways to respond to aggression or express anger that won’t get her kicked out of school. And remind her that even when she messes up, you love her and are happy that she’s your daughter. That she’s precious. And that you believe in her ability to use this unfortunate situation to learn and grow.