Dear Mother Wit:

Who IS this child? My 12-year-old daughter changed overnight from a sweet, well-behaved girl to a surly pre-teen with a smart mouth. She was never disrespectful, but now she talks to me any kind of way and ignores my instructions. It’s taking all my self-control not to spank her. I tried to reason with her and take away privileges, but that’s hard to keep up since we’re stuck in the house together all the time. I wasn’t allowed to be disrespectful to my mama and the few times I did get out of line, I got my butt whupped good. How do I handle this before she gets out of control? 

At Wit’s End

Dear At Wit’s End:

Your daughter’s behavior is normal for her age but that doesn’t make it easy to handle. Kids often talk back and ignore you to test their power, or even to get a reaction from you. At this age, their brains aren’t developed enough to be aware of what they’re doing or how it feels to you. 

This will be hard, but try to take a step back when she acts this way. Work to calm your nerves and clear your mind. It might help to know that she is probably not deliberately misbehaving. This is the beginning of what is called the “individuation” process where she is starting to form an identity that is separate from yours. It’s natural for her to “push back” and test your boundaries. Many of her actions are caused by the rush of hormones flooding her body and brain and she doesn’t understand what’s happening to her. 

Once you’re feeling calmer, try to focus on how both of you are feeling, rather than the disrespect. Acknowledge that she seems to be feeling upset. Share that her words and actions are causing you to feel upset, too. Suggest that the two of you talk later when you’re feeling calmer. Let her know that you care about and want to understand what she’s feeling because it’s important to you. 

While I know it’s tempting, don’t immediately punish her to feel “in control.” When you talk, you can work together on a respectful solution that works better for both of you. And when you can, give her a hug. I always told my children that “I will always love you no matter what. Right now, I don’t like what you’re saying or doing, and we’re going to address that together. But my love is forever.” 

Good luck! Buckle up—the teen years are some of the most challenging. But they can also be very rewarding. 

Warmly,

Mother Wit