Dear Mother Wit:

I’m about to lose it! I’m trying to juggle working from home while my kids—ages 5, 8, and 13—are sitting nearby trying to learn online. They’re trying their best but sometimes they’re noisy and restless. And they want my attention at the most inconvenient times. The stress is crazy! I don’t want to spank them or yell, but there are times when they just work all my nerves and I don’t know what to do. Please help!  

Stressed Mom

Dear Stressed Mom:

Parenting in this pandemic is no joke! I feel all your pain—been there myself with my grown daughter and her grandkids living with me now. Sometimes it feels like it’s all closing in on me at once. 

Breathe. For real: stopping to take some deep, slow breaths really can help us “gather ourselves,” as my Big Mama used to say, and hit the pause button to clear our minds.  

Next: congratulate yourself and your children for all that you ARE able to get done in these crazy times. I count every achievement—even the smallest—as a win for you and your family. While it’s natural to focus on what’s going wrong, sometimes we need to stop and remind ourselves and each other of what’s going right, and that we’re all doing the best we can in very challenging situations. 

Then: Check your expectations. First, what are you expecting of yourself? Like most of us, you do your best to hold everything and everyone together and keep life on track. Pandemic life is different—something none of us had time to prepare for—and I’ve had to relax my expectations of myself and my family to keep my stress down. Second, check your expectations of your children. As hard as these times are for adults, imagine how hard it is for them to adjust to this upside-down reality. We have to extend extra grace to ourselves and each other right now. Things don’t have to be perfect to be okay. 

Get your children invested in helping you find solutions. They can play leadership roles in problem solving. What if you talked to them like colleagues, and worked with them to find creative age-appropriate ways to address the issues that are causing all of you stress? This helps them feel a sense of purpose and some control over the situation, while showing them that you have faith in their ability to help problem solve. And it takes the burden off of you as the only source of guidance and solutions. 

How can you make some de-stressing moments for yourself and your children? Could you try different forms of meditation or family yoga—there are lots of free videos and apps available. Play soothing music—my grandkids and I are enjoying classic jazz. How about scheduling family game nights, movie nights, or cartoon watching? 

Could you work together to come up with “safe words” or signals to let each other know when any of you are feeling stressed and need to take a time-out? 

It can also help to do an “energy check.” I had to learn who in my household is an introvert (they get their energy from stretches of alone-time), an extrovert (they get their energy from interacting with others), or an ambivert (equal parts introvert and extrovert). I let everyone share what helps them relax and recharge so that we all understand and respond to each other’s needs without getting upset. 

Hang in there—I have faith in you!

Love,

Mother Wit