Dear Mother Wit,

I have a 14-year-old son who just started walking around with his pants sagging.  I can’t stand it!  Him and his friends walk around the house, their schools, down the street and everywhere with their boxers showing, buttocks and butt cracks exposed and their belts around their thighs.

This is disgusting and I want to slap him upside his head for this foolishness!  How is my son, and how are his friends, ever supposed to get jobs looking like that?  How can they be taken seriously when, as young black men, they already have every strike against them?  They look like low-life gangster criminals—what if my son is stopped by the police, or locked up, or beaten or even killed by the police or some other freelance vigilante who assume he’s a thug because of his sagging pants?

I’m angry, Mother Wit, but mostly I’m scared.  I hate saggin’ and everything it stands for, and I have trouble sleeping at night because I’m so worried about something bad happening to my son. Please help!  What do I do Mother Wit?  How do I get my son to pull up his pants?

                                                                           A Desperate Mom

Dear Desperate Mom:

That’s a great question!

First, let me say that, just like you, and like most of us, I HATE the whole saggin’ pants thing. Nobody’s drawers should be displayed in public for any reason, and we all agree that saggin’ not only looks distasteful and ridiculous, but makes our young men walk like they’re shackled with fashionable chains.  And then there’s the whole concept—whether or not it’s accurate—that saggin’ came from prison culture and seems to be an invitation to that horrifying ritual of prison life.

That said, honey, I think it’s easy to miss the REAL messages in and behind saggin’.  And trust, it took me a while to get to this point my own self!

Think about it: we ALL wore stuff in our youth to annoy adults. That’s a natural part of growing up, right?  I fussed at my son and his friends plenty during their teens.  However, even as I fussed and expressed my disgust, I recognized it as:

A.  A tribal teen expression of rebellion guaranteed to elicit disapproval from elders–and what could be more delicious at that age?

B.  The human yearning to “fit in” with their “tribe.”

If we look OBJECTIVELY at various clothing, hairstyles, accessories, tats, and piercings, quite honestly MOST of us and most other folk look ridiculous and even offensive to many people who are not of–or appreciative of–that particular tribal garb.  But it helps us be instantly identified, and to fit in.

In my generation, we rocked hot pants, bellbottoms (often polyester), crazy platform shoes and go-go boots.  And it was not uncommon for teenagers who came home with big Afros to be criticized, put on punishment or even kicked out of the house and threatened with being disowned by their families!

I also have an undeveloped theory that saggin’ is our young men’s way of telling us that we have let them down, as parents, as teachers and as a community.  As a group, as a collective, we absolutely HAVE let them down and we still are.  That doesn’t ignore or negate personal responsibility or free will, but if we get stuck on criticizing, condemning and judging THEM, we forget to look at ourselves.

This video by deejay Jay Smooth can open our eyes—all of us—to seeing saggin’ in a whole new way.  I love his play on words . . .

“Whenever a young Black man, pulls his pants up, the very inner workings of the cosmos immediately realign in his favor … as soon as you do it, your whole neighborhood starts changing all around you.  Suddenly there are all these well-funded schools and public resources and affordable housing—it’s incredible …”

Really though, Desperate Mom, I want you to ask yourself why you get so upset when you see your son other young men walking around with their pants sagging?  My mother wisely taught me that WHATEVER annoys you in others is merely a reflection of something you need to address in your own self.

Lastly–and most tragically–some cities/states have or are trying to enact laws to make saggin’ illegal.  So let’s think about that for a minute: what better way to feed the voracious and vicious cradle-to-prison pipeline?  If hot pants, big hair, mini-skirts, polyester and ridiculously high platform heels had been illegal back in my day, we’d have ALL had criminal records.  Let’s focus, people: we have radioactive oceans, seafood is no longer edible and we’re on the brink of war.

Where do WE need to “pull up our pants?”

Here’s some things I want you to think about Desperate Mom:

1. Focus on the kind of young man you want your son to become, and hold that in your mind. Look at him and talk to him and treat him as if he is already that young man.

2. Look at your son’s environment and ask yourself: what are the real issues here—like education and jobs and health care and the environment.

3. Talk honestly with your son about your fears for him.  Don’t focus on the pants (I know it will be a challenge!).  Just share your feelings, quietly, but passionately, in a way that doesn’t make him feel attacked or like he has to defend his choices.  You might be surprised at the power of a loving mother’s honest confession.

4. Ask your son what saggin’ pants mean to HIM.  Listen without judging (if you’re like me, that will require a lot of deep breathing and maybe even biting your tongue).  Listen.  Take in his truth.  Acknowledge it.  Respect it, even if it frightens you, makes you angry or sad, or makes you feel rejected.  Just accept what he’s saying, because that is what he needs most from you right now.  The world will teach him about how his fashion choices affect his job prospects, and it’s OK for him to fail sometimes, to learn important lessons.

5. If you wore things in your teens that annoyed your parents and other adults, share pictures of yourself (or from magazines) that show those fashions with your son.  Share how you felt when adults expressed disgust or disapproval (if that happened).  Share how you felt as a teen who was making a fashion statement.

And please, report back to me, Desperate Mom, and let me know how this goes!  I really want to hear back from you.  We’re all in this together, all learning and growing as parents and grandparents, teachers and nurturers.  Thank you for your wonderful question.  I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Until next time, remember, DON’T HIT THE KIDS, HIT THE KEYBOARD!

Mother Wit.