By Dr. Stacey Patton

Let’s get this out of the way first: I am not a parent. I don’t have children. But in my work as an advocate for children, I work with and am informed and educated by many wise people who are parents, and we talk openly and honestly about all kinds of parenting issues. Including, of course, corporal punishment.

The other day one of my coworkers told me a few days ago about riding the D.C. Metro and seeing a woman clench her fist and punch her young son squarely in the chest. Horrified by what she was witnessing, the coworker, who is the mother of a young boy, said her first thought was: “Oh my god, my son is going to have to grow up with that kid.”  She also said that she wouldn’t want her child playing with that poor young boy, because he was being socialized to believe that violence was okay.

Another friend, whose son and daughter are college-age, puts it this way: “If you spank your child, they won’t be dating mine.” While acknowledging that she doesn’t literally have control over who her son and daughter date, she does feel strongly that a child who grows up with physical punishment will consider it an appropriate way to express fear, anger or frustration in an intimate relationship.

Are my friends off-base?

Pediatrics magazine published a 2010 study by researchers at Tulane University of nearly 2,500 youngsters. The findings, reported in the May 3, 2010 issue of Time magazine, http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html#ixzz1ku7weGQk included this:

“As 5-year-olds, the children who had been spanked were more likely than the non-spanked to be defiant, demand immediate satisfaction of their wants and needs, become frustrated easily, have temper tantrums and lash out physically against other people or animals. The reason for this may be that spanking sets up a loop of bad behavior.”

What happens when those 5-year-olds become 15, 20, 25? If their emotional and psychological “hard drives” have been wired for physical outbursts in their tender, formative years, what would stop them from hitting a romantic partner?

That seems like common sense to me.

I’ve read many studies on corporal punishment that make similar conclusions. Beyond research though, doesn’t common sense and a basic understanding of human nature suggest that it’s important to set the tone for interpersonal relations in the parent-child relationship?

We all know that feelings of anger, frustration and fear—often combined—are a normal part of parenting children of any age.  But parents who find constructive ways to manage those emotions and communicate their feelings to their children in constructive ways might be providing a valuable service by teaching them the skills they’ll need to thrive in intimate relationships when they’re older.

That “loop of bad behavior” mentioned in the Time article seems to point to the risk of dating violence. Maybe you wouldn’t see a mother punching her child in the chest and think of that child’s relationship to your son or daughter, but what would your reaction be? The person in power is using their size, their superior role, and their “authority” to perpetuate physical violence on someone who is vulnerable and helpless. What went through that little boy’s mind, what lesson was his mother teaching him?

Please share your thoughts.  I genuinely welcome your responses, as long as they don’t advocate violence of any form against children.